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From the title, I know it sounds like a very childish thing to happen. Or, I should not even be writing about these problems online; however, I am experiencing a lot of stress over this and I hope someone out there is willing to hear me out. If there truly is someone out there reading the words I am carefully putting on here, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I always try my hardest in life to be happy and be myself. I always care for the people around me, both my friends and family. I loved my dear friends C, P, and J and considered them to be my sisters even though we were not blood related. Two years ago, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and my mother was pre-diagnosed with colonary cancer. A short background as to how bad my father's prostate cancer was: He was scored a 9 on the Gleason score and that usually tests how aggressive the cancer cells are. The Gleason score is ranked from 1-10, with 10 being the most aggressive. This was probably the beginning of how nasty my friendships with them would become.
I guess it is true that a huge event such as that would show you who your friends truly are. No matter how much I tried to get moral support for this traumatic event, I could not get in contact with any of those friends. Friends who I considered to be sisters, to be my family, and to be the people I loved so dearly were nowhere to be found. I tried to call them, text them, and meet up with them, but no one replied sometimes and would seemingly ignore me. It got to the point where they truly did ignore me, or just took their time to reply to my messages. Due to that event, I seemed to have a lot of panic attacks and was depressed almost all the time. (By the way, in case anyone was wondering, I was 20 at the time.) Eventually, my boyfriend at the time, who was the only pillar of support I had broke up with me only because his Muslim family found out about us dating and rejected us. At the time, I felt like the last piece of hope I had broke apart and I, as a person, shattered completely.
That same night, I went to the beach at night (my community college was near the beach, so I went there after class). I was originally there to meet up with a classmate to go study, but I was too depressed to think clearly and ended up sitting on the shoreline. I tried one last attempt to get in contact with my so called best friends and my ex-boyfriend. I was telling them how depressed I was and how alone I was feeling. I had no replies whatsoever which broke my heart more than anything could. I eventually told them that I was about to commit suicide right there at the beach by drowning myself, since the tide was high. I cannot swim, so I thought that would be the fastest way to do it. After all those texts and calls, the only person who answered was my ex with the words, "What am I supposed to do?" That last comment made me snap and I did the deed. Luckily my classmate was around the beach and ended up screaming for help in time to save me. I ended up being dragged from the waves and sent to Urgent Care. She also was kind enough to take me home with her and take care of me for 3 days. To this day, I owe her a lot. What makes me sad is that the people who I have known for over 5 years did not care about my life; however, this girl named Jessica, who I barely knew for about 3 months, saved my life. I feel so blessed to have met a great girl such as her. P and C did not seem to care about the fact I just committed suicide and they would get angry whenever I pointed that out. At first, I thought the anger might have been because they did care and they were shocked and angry that I would say they didn't. However, to this day, now that our friendships are over, I wonder if they were just angry because I was pointing out the truth. J, on the other hand, is my last true best friend/sister. When she realized what happened, she cried her heart out because she was too busy with her schoolwork and job to be there for me when I needed her most.
After that night, I think no one from our foursome group was the same again. P and I eventually had a falling out last year, but because of my love for both C and J, I asked her if we could come to a compromise for the sake of both of our best friends. She ended up giving me a list of things I must change about myself and do in order for her to allow our friendship to continue. These things included always smiling no matter what and always being on my "best behavior" by never saying words like "I am bored." When I first saw that list, I felt like I got slapped in the face and was shocked by how absurd it all was. I was so upset and cried because I felt betrayed by the person I loved. Later on, I asked C if I truly was never really smiling enough and if I said the words "I am bored" before, and she agreed. So, it was obvious that she had a problem with me too. In the end, I gave in to all her demands for both C's and J's sake because my love for them was stronger than my pride or my self-respect. I fake smiled through a lot of things after that; however, everything of course started to feel more and more tiring. I felt like I couldn't handle to do it much longer. Most of my problems with smiling much at this point was still due to the after shocks of committing suicide and of my parents' cancers; however, I guess none of them had believed I could be so fragile.
In the end, a few weeks ago, C somehow was fed up with me. She told me she no longer considered me to be a friend. She also felt that I was not considerate enough of others. Furthermore, because C has a problem with me, it breaches the list of things P initially asked of me; therefore, I am no longer friends with either one of them. Honestly, I felt a huge sense of relief after this scenario because now I no longer have to fake my smiles. I no longer have to hurt my own self. I initially came on here to type about my pains and sorrows for losing two of my closest friends; however, I think all this typing has given me some perspective. I still cannot sleep at night because of my stress and my sorrows, but I do my best to try and love myself again. I need to learn how to love myself and respect myself once more. I somehow forgot how to do such things along the way in the past few years. I forgot how to be the independent and self-respecting person I once was. I hope I can become that same strong, proud woman again. I do wish I had more friends than just one, single J, but I do feel very thankful to have her in my life. I am scared of losing her too, but if I do, then I guess it is meant to be. I will not fight it, nor will I deny it. I am not upset with either C or P because I know they have their own opinions. Those opinions probably changed when my own mindset changed from a happy, optimistic one to a depressed, and hopeless one. I have nothing against either of them, and I hope for the best for them. I hope they find happiness in their life and never have to suffer the way I did. I think even though this all happened, I still love them and care for them with all my heart.
Thank you everyone who has reached the end of this message, I am sorry it was such a long story, but I really needed to get all of this off my chest. It was burning me inside and I was having trouble sleeping, so I thank you for willingly reading it all voluntarily and I hope you can give me some helpful insights for all of this.
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It seems you're growing up in maturity and wisdom, i hope you'll be able to keep on this trail and not forget it. Still what happened to you is hard, you've kinda learnt wisdom the hard way.... i am not sorry for you but i give you a little of what's left of my compassion.
ReplyThank you! I appreciate you reading it all and writing a reply for me. Even though you say you're not sorry for me, I still appreciate the warm words you used to give your opinions on my situation. I also just wanted you to know that your words were simply the ones I've been wanting to hear all along and have helped me more than you know. So thank you once again for comforting and sharing those words with me.
ReplyThank you for your thanks :p, If you don't mind would please tell me how my words helped you? Like what was the reflexion/thinking/thoughts when you read them and after you've read them? If it's too much asking just tell and that'll be OK.
ReplyJust the fact that you're saying I'm growing up in maturity and wisdom because lately I've been feeling like maybe I am a bad person. The words that C told me, about how I am inconsiderate, really made a huge blow on me. Mainly because I always try to be there for others and I usually do everything in my power to help the ones I really care for. If there is something I can do for someone, and I don't do it, then it just hurts me inside as well. A part of me still cares for C, so I was really concerned as to how I am inconsiderate, but she already told me she doesn't want anything to do with me as a friend, so I decided to just respect her decision and not reach out anymore. I mainly just thought I was a scared child who has just been abandoned by almost everybody I held dear to me and I just felt really alone. I thought that maybe I was a bad person and I was just sinking deeper into my loneliness. I'm just glad and thankful that there is someone out there who believes that my experiences were just a road I went on to learn wisdom the hard way. I am grateful for the feedback and I kind of smiled when you were giving me some tough love by saying "I am not sorry for you" but you still gave me compassionate words anyways, so I do know that somewhere in your heart you did care for me a little. :)
ReplyThank you for the feedback and of course i did otherwise i wouldn't have commented your post ;P I wish you the best there is to learn what is wisdom though it could be the hardest, if you really want to go on this path i advise you to look for the word "resilience", to continue on calling yourself into question, to not be be afraid to face what you are, you can always change if give yourself a chance to, and so to give yourself strength so that you can do it.... But never forget this: you're the one who learn, you can ask to be taught but in the end only you can learn for yourself....To put it simply: don't let others do things you can do for your life, be the active and not the passive for your life thus you're the one to learn about yourself. I wish i could say more but i have not enough space to write a book and to much to say so anyway i wish you strength, bravery, lucidity, patience, wisdom.... and love.Thank you again ^^
ReplyThank you for your words :) I really do appreciate every single one of them. Before this relationship, I was an independent person, and I also believed myself to be strong. It's just that one single moment can change you so much to become the opposite. I do intend to try and become that strong, independent person again.. one with "resilience" as you have just put it :3 But, I do know it will take a lot of learning and work to get to that stage once more. I don't mind if you write a whole book because I basically wrote a mini story/essay up above >.<
ReplyIt's been 4 days now since last time we've discussed about wisdom, i don't know if you will ever read this (as far as i know it could go straight to your mailbox, like mine, or stay here on Novni open to all to read (hello strangers who read this ;) ), anyway let me tell you that i thought a lot about you and what i can and cannot say. How to say things in the wisest way.... I ended up talking to to you and to myself in my mind and what came out is something new to me, for the first time since a long time i felt that i really cared about this situation, yours and this one with you and me talking about wisdom. It seems it's a problem for me, because it seems i can't avoid mentioning personal experiences, so if you don't mind could we pursue this discussion via mails ? If yes here is my mail niemeld at gmail . com (please to anyone else who read this, no scam or spam), if no then it's ok i can try to find another way around.
Reply