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I got accidentally outed at church and now people are talking about me behind my back
2 years ago · 11 · LGBTQ, +3 · Explicit
458
My little brother outed me to a church member by accident. It was okay, he didn't realize that it was wrong and our church is supposedly accepting of the LGBTQIA+ community (our members are working on it). He only outed me to one person.
But today I learned that some people had been talking about me being queer behind my back. People I didn't tell. I'm trying to be more open about it anyway, I even brought a cup with a pride flag on it to church choir practice today. But the fact that people were talking about it and word got around so fast kind of makes me feel sick.
I don't want my sexuality to be a big deal, but apparently it's been kind of blown up without my consent. And when I was outed, my brother told the church member that "*my name* is gay."
Technically that is true, but I didn't get a chance to explain the way I identify. I use queer rather than strictly labeling myself to account for my asexuality and romantic attraction to all genders. Something that is so complex and beautiful to me was reduced to just "she's gay" and I didn't get to present it as a normal part of myself that I accept.
On top of this, I am still in the closet about being a demiboy, so people assuming I'm a lesbian gives me a lot of gender dysphoria. I'm not a woman or nonbinary (well technically I am nonbinary, but also male) person attracted to women.
I just wish this didn't happen and that I could have come out to everyone on my own. How do I get this gross feeling to go away?
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That's terrible. You have to 100% believe that you didn't deserve that and take that power back. Maybe if you have a supporting adult that can reprimand your brother. If you can try to speak up for yourself. If you want. Of course it's none of their business you don't have to explain anything to them. Maybe if you can find a queer community online. As a queer person I've never had this happen to me so maybe someone more experienced can help you. the best place I can think of is Amino and join the LGBT group. What happened wasn't fair to you at all and cishet people think they have some jurisdiction over queer people and that they can talk and talk when it's none of their business. So yeh consider joining the amnio and find peeps to share this with. take care <3
ReplyThank you for your kind words. While I know these people love me, I also know that they are pretty ignorant to how their actions affect me. I guess it's hard for a cishet person to realize what being queer is like. Even if I'm in a completely safe space, I will still feel threatened if someone outs me. The power that is exercised so casually is a much bigger deal for queer people because it represents actual potential danger and discrimination.
I am a part of some LGBTQIA+ internet spaces and I am so lucky to have a lot of supportive queer friends in my life as well. I'll talk to some people about it, but I think the general consensus about outing is that it just sucks (and that I'm lucky it wasn't dangerous for me).
Thanks again! Stay safe and proud!
ReplyLet me tell something to you. You ARE beautiful nonetheless. Normally I'm not a very huge supporter of LGBTQ issues but in this instance... it's just wrong.
There's absolutely no reason why you should be made to feel this way and in all due respect, just because they "know" that you're LGBTQ doesn't mean they KNOW. You understand?
Like you said, they didn't get to hear the why behind it all and maybe that's something that you should consider doing since you had already wanted to. Just because they have an idea doesn't mean they have the full picture, right?
Think of it this way. If I told you I had a drink, what would that mean to you? What if I said I had a drink and then got behind the wheel? What image does that conjure up in your mind?
You'd probably automatically associate "drink" with alcohol right? But you see? You don't have the full context. You don't know that it was a 32oz bottle of Gatorade. You see what I'm saying?
The same goes for you. Just because they "know that you're gay" doesn't mean they have any other information.
And I'll tell you something else. I'm taking it that this is a Christian based faith?
"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, βLet me take the speck out of your eye,β when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."
Luke 6:37 ESV
What does that mean? It means that they have no right in condemning nor judging you, when their own hearts are filled with hatred of the unfamiliar. That they wholly make some unwelcome due to their own insecurities.
I know you don't want to hurt these people, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be reminded that it is as sin to judge you, before they begin to judge themselves.
ReplyI really hope they aren't judging me for loving myself. I really do. I have faith that they are good people, just unfamiliar with how to act in this situation. I don't think that they outright think less of me for who I am, but I do believe that they are products of their environment, which has taught them to act in surprise when they find out someone is different than they originally thought.
Thank you for your compassion. I have no intention of ever letting what people think get in my way, but the handling of it all still stings you know? Hopefully my church can see me for who I am in due time.
ReplyWell like I said, give your speech! Take your moment, it's yours and you could look at it this way, in the very least, it's not full on surprise anymore. But getting that out there might make it easier for others to be supportive. You know?
ReplyYes! This is a very good point. I planned to come out at church anyway because I believe I could really change some people's perspectives. Most of my church is 50+ years old and they view me as a good kid because I am respectful and hardworking. When they made the statement saying that they were accepting of the community, I don't think people were expecting me to be LGBTQIA+
I hope that they can see me and realize that being queer is not a trend or exclusive to "rebellious" kids. And I hope that any younger queer kids in my church will see that it's okay to be LGBTQIA+ and that they are not alone. Already I've had a church friend talk to me about going to our school GSA because their parents are not supportive.
I still don't want to be too dramatic about it though. Yes, I will be loud, but not in a way that isn't true to myself. I will always be the respectful kid who sings in the choir and talks with the elderly ladies after service, but I will also be out and proud of the way I love and who I am.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this. You have really helped me feel confident that I can handle all of this. When I walk into church again, I don't think it will matter that people talked about me. In the end, I don't know what happened or why, but I can choose not to care. Thank you!
ReplyThere ya go! I'm honored you would place such value on my words and I know you're a good apple.
I'll say this much as one last hurrah for you. I like you, you don't look at this as who you are but rather just another aspect of what makes you who you are and in that, you can truly glow and shine.
I don't hesitate to believe you can help others come out of their shell as well. I know I don't have to tell you this but I will anyways, keep doing good and never lose who you are.
ReplyThank you π β€β€β€β€
ReplyToo bad those Christian's Christian's don't ever actually do anything Jesus would have done, huh?
ReplyThey are trying. I have left the Christian church but my family doesn't know that so I'm still interacting with the community of my church.
I think it would be great if people were more like Jesus, not because he was the son of God and what God wants you to be like, but because he was a good person who treated others with respect and love. But nobody is perfect and I believe that my church has just made mistakes. I forgive them not because I believe I have to, but because I believe they can change.
(I'm the original poster btw)
ReplyIβm so sorry for you. I got outed to a small group of friends once and it sucked, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you.
Reply