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Today my parents walked into my room and announced that my grandma died, when I didn't even wake up. I was shocked, and my mom went to the airport, dad going to get her there, leaving me alone.
I've been crying for a while now. I wasn't close to her now, but as a kid, or an early teen, I used to spend whole summers with her. I wonder what she would think of me now. If she would hate what I grew into.
I feel so empty. It's summer, and I'm stuck in the city, with nothing to do, hurt with grief, and loneliness, I'll only see the person I love in December, so they can't physically comfort me. On the other hand, when I recover, how would I feel happy? It feels like such a profanity, to be joyous.
What happens after you die? Is this going to be the same nothingness as before birth? Is there a secret behind? What if I die unexpectedly, when I couldn't reach my happy place yet? What if Logan dies? They can't die, I can't let this happen, but I don't control it! I just love them so much, I've never loved anyone more, or maybe at all. I want them to be mine until the end, they make me feel the best I've ever been, and I care about them more than anyone, or myself, if they ever leave or something happens, I will be torn in half and destroyed by suffering, I'm so scared of losing someone I love... My cat is getting old, too. I just hope he will stay with me until I move.
It will be okay, right? I will finish the university, run from this horrible nightmare of a country that hates my gay guts, and marry them... We will be happy, I would be able to never let go then, for years and years! We could do simple things, that fellow straights from my country take for granted, but to me it seems like something so magical if they will be here...
I just want to have something that is forever, but that could never happen, nothing is forever...
Except for my feelings. They will never die, right? They will never be gone. Death is so weird for people, I stare at my room, it was the same when she was still alive, and nothing changed, she's so far away, but she's dead now. I will also die like that, hopefully when I'm old. When I was a kid, I was so bad I thought I wouldn't make it, but I did, and I will die too. I know it will be simple, I'll be alive yesterday, and already dead tomorrow, so fast... Death happens so fucking fast.
But the effect that I had, my passion, my love, everything I did will stay for longer than my body is... Now that the media exists, it's possible that my impact will live forever, or a tiny bit less. What is left of her?
Who, of the people I love, will die next?
The thought alone leaves me terrified.
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Death.
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Sorry for your loss.... If there is life, there is death. Its inevitable.
So why not live happily, a life without regret instead of fear?
I envy how you can love others so much without having a barrier... :)
ReplyI know how you feel
ReplyIt's not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it's what you leave behind you when you go. Make an impact.. a positive one.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
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