Parents

I dislike how I am feeling right now, I know I have really bad internalized anger issues but it's so hard to keep them in. I have to be quiet and blunt when I'm really angry to not let it out and they'll have to ask "Are you mad? Stop being mad I didn't even do anything". Really? You did nothing? I am so angry right now and I hate being angry because I feel resentment towards myself for being angry. I can go days without caring about my hygiene or doing nothing because I'm unmotivated. I have trouble paying attention but when I do I get really focused, I don't care if I smell bad, I've been caring about that this whole time but now that I get focused and actually do the school work I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to care about my hygiene? Please choose one I don't care how my life is going, I don't care about what's going to affect me in the future, I want to die. Don't you get it, just because I try my best to play it off does not mean I want to live. I don't. So shut up and let me do what you've been telling me to do, what I have the motivation to do right now. Don't tall behind my back to my dad and make him yell at me, do you want me to feel even worse? Tch it's honestly so annoying when people do that, and I don't even feel like I have a reason to be mad. I'm glad I can somewhat control my anger even though I don't and I inflict it on myself, digging my nail in my palm and self-harming, punching books as to not punch the walls and ruin anything. This is all helping e become a better person, not judging people, not yelling my voice at people, educating people when they say something not morally right, helping others. But what happened to you? Why did it make you worse? Why can I just not care? Why why why whyw whyw whwyw whyw whwyw wywwywwywhwyw wywhwywgwhywgw i hate myself i ahte myself i hate myself i hatemyseef i hate myself just die at this point you useless thing. Just disregard what I said it doesn't matter anyways I'm going to die in the end so why even try.