Release

when I was young, I was molested by a family member. It wasn't just a single incident, it went on for years. I didn't really understand what exactly was happening with me but I did feel it was something weird. And something that was to be kept between the two of us. I don't remember him telling me to be quiet about it or to not tell it to anyone, I did it myself. I kept quiet about the abuse.

If you happen to see me interact with this person, you would've never guessed he was the one to abuse me. There are two different sides to me - one where I would turn away from him while he would touch me and the rest would the the other times when he would behave normally and I would do the same. He would use the classic groomer techniques of buying me shit, paying attention to me, hyping me, caring for me. I loved him, I guess. He was family, after all.

He did not do very explicit things to me and I guess this was why I thought I had to bear it. During the encounters, I would freeze and would disassociate my mind from my body. It would be over after a few minutes and we would go back behaving as if nothing happened.

This ended because he had to move away. To this day, I have no idea what the situation would be had he not left.. would he still be doing this to me? Would I have finally understood what was going on with me? Would I have the courage to stop him or confront him? Would this still go on?

And I shudder to think what would have happened if he had not gotten away? Would he escalate in his approaches?

It happened almost a decade ago and it's ever present at the back of my mind, like a niggling worm that won't disturb me but wouldn't just leave me either. For years, I gaslighted the shit out of myself, thinking if I was wrong or did I just imagine it all and how could he have done this to me and wasn't he nice and likeable and he cared for me and he loved me and what if this was the false memories that my mind constructed and was it wrong for me to think all this? And why didn't I ever stop him, why would I go back to him after it happened and why did I feel guilty?

It wrecked me. Made me wary of intimacy. Made me not trust men.

It happened in the place that was my home, it happened due to someone who was my family and who my parents trusted which is why they allowed him near me.

I fucking hate him. Some days, I feel sorry because he hasn't had a very sweet life either but what he did to me was a conscious choice. He chose to molest a kid, not once, not twice but over the years. I can sympathise with the shitty childhood he had to dealt with but it will never make it okay what he did to me.

He is a fucking monster and I only hope/wish to gain strength one day so that Ii can talk to him about it and tell him that I knew. I knew and I remembered and I hate him for doing this to me. I fucking hate him.