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The layer of dust covering almost every surface in my room screams at me. I cower from its repetitiveness. Nothing ever is truly finished. Its a task I can do when I no longer wish to be helpless.
The vortex that is my mind spins and devours all sense and true meaning. I am lost. I trace a small spiral into the dust and just think about it, life, lonliness... Only myself. What a waste. What a joke. Who cares about me? I shouldn't. There are others that want love and attention. Its all a bad dream. I don't want to wake up! The torture is well deserved.
Being tired will kill me. It already happened. I should be dead. A semi hit me. How? It was so fleeting and meaningless. In that last moment before the dark, I didn't even get to lament. I wish I had perspective outside of myself. Billions of us... All alone. Separated by our flesh. Our time divides our minds.
Why do I fear so much!? I guess its cowardice, jealousy, and self loathing. Who can save me? No one should. Who will fix me? No one can. I'm whole. My biggest defect is hatred. I want to shove my face in the sand. 'Take that, nerd!' At least its me and not them. It always feels like all of us. 'We all hate you, don't worry.'
I just want clarity. 'Some people won't like you.' I have to internalize that and analyze it til I tire of it. I CANT LIke everyone, so why do I long to be liked by them all? They're just coworkers, not friends. I'm too old to have 'fun'. My fun is boring to most. Video games, reading, educating myself, staring into nothing and contemplating everything.
'Why do you wonder off on your own so much? Don't you like us?' Well, yes, but my mind eats itself when im with you. My time alone is just an unraveling of social stresses. I mostly accomplish nothing in this state, but I don't know how else to live. Im whole alright, physically, but when will my mind feel the same? What am I missing?
Do attractive people love life no matter the circumstance? Is that why I envy them? I wanted to be held so badly. Hold me in your mind, gently. Don't let me die unhappy... Yep. Thats why Im alone and will always be alone. I drag others down into a spiral of negativity and the only way out is away from me. I wish they could take me with them. Sever my being. Divide me up into manageable pieces. Take the parts others might like and leave behind the waste.
Writing, i think, is my only talent. writing thoughts down is almost as magical as lsitening to music, for me. Everyone feels this. I am not unique.
Is that my clarity?
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