Random Thoughts - 7/21/2021

Sometimes it seems nothing is going well. I am unable to come out of the closet or open up about mental health or be myself.

Think of it like this: You are in a closet. Your leg is sticking out, because your only able to open up to your therapist and be yourself around her and your best friend. But you're stuck. Something really heavy is blocking the door. No matter what you do you can't get out. You are trapped. The only things you have are yourself, self-hatred, negative thoughts and worries. Sometimes they are so small, other times they are overbearing to you.

I wish I could just say that I'm a lesbian and get it over with. I want pride flags. I want to openly talk about LGBTQ things with my friends and family. So many queer jokes or thoughts of homophobia are filling my mind and I can't go to anyone.

I wish I could take care of myself better. This is part of where my self-hatred comes from. I want to have a balanced diet, be flexible and excercise. I want to do a skincare routine and have clear skin. I want to do makeup, not because of bad insecurity but because I think it looks cool. I wish I knew what my personal style is. But I worry about not doing things correctly. I hate making mistakes and I don't know why.

I wish I could establish a routine everyday. But I can't get anything done and then I feel anxious and upset at myself for not finishing it. So there's no point.

I wish I could have my desired reality, but I am stuck in this dark pit and I can't get out. I suppose maybe if I write a list of things I like about myself, it might help? Okay, here goes:

- My eyes

- My legs

- My singing voice

- My will to live