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1 week ago · · Venting · Explicit
the books lied the books lied the books lied
about so many things
i was originally gonna journal about one thing but now there's many things in my head and fire in my belly
SHE WONT LISTEN. you told me that if i had a convincing argument, or confidence in my voice, or looked her hard in the eye, she would listen to me. she didnt. she didnt listen. I almost started crying. Because this is real fucking life and people SUCK. and I was just reminiscing about the harry potter universe earlier today and this reminded me that its a book. It's fiction, it's imagination. That shit doesn't exist in this world. People who listen to what you say and change their minds because of it? DOESNT FUCKING EXIST. People who trust you instead of never trusting you with anything even though you love them and mean what you say from the bottom of your heart? DOESNT FUCKING EXIST. The ability to realistically go to a school that fills all your beautiful mysterious dark academia dreams? DOESNT FUCKING EXIST, at least not for me. friends? close friends? friends you make easily who stick by your side? friends who you love dearly that love you back? friends that would do anything for you? friends who you love deep in your soul who stick with you through thick and thin and are there for you? friends you can truly trust? DOESNT. FUCKING. EXIST.
You will never be able to change peoples minds with your words. You think you have a firm, confident argument that impresses people? People look at you and see an ugly, cringey little girl with frizzy hair and food stuck in her teeth who uses big words and a supposed-to-be-even tone to disguise her insecurities and barely veiled tears of anxiety and sadness.
You will never have people truly trust you. You have good intentions and a loyal heart but your brain is all fucked up, isnt it? Your memory is shit and your time perception is shit too. You always break your promises. Useless little girl. You never get anywhere on time and you never remember things you need to do or items you need to bring with you. People look at you and see a lame flaky person who breaks every promise they make and then makes slimeball excuses and scrambles at the last moment to turn things in to try to cover her own ass. Idiot mess.
You think you will have close friends you can trust who love you for yourself and stick by your side? NO. you wont. YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BITCH. youre flaky and stupid and awkward and anxious and mentally slow and nervous and ugly and weird and unintelligent and unhelpful and clumsy and gross and laughable. you will NEVER, EVER achieve that. people talk about you behind your back. but you already knew that.
I'm supposed to flourish in high school. I'm supposed to find myself and make good friends and become a better person and be responsible and learn about the world around me. Sure, lots of people dont achieve that, but i cant help feeling im doing even worse than them.
And you wonder why i have such an active imagination? Why im always daydreaming? Take a guess. I need an escape. A place to fool myself into thinking i'm lovable and people love me. But i always have to come out of it at some point. And remember im not in a book. And where i am sucks. And i will never accomplish what i wish i could.