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I had a good day yesterday. I woke up and I was like my old self; something I hadn't been in 9 years. I was able to get out of bed and do some chores, go grocery shopping, and relax. I even organized my bathroom and closet. Nothing major happened. I wasn't all of a sudden happy but I didn't overthink everything and I didn't want to go to sleep and never wake up. But when I woke up this morning I was back to what I thought was my new normal. What I had convinced myself was just what everyone felt when they became adults. Cuz adults are always tired and anxious. But what I feel is different isn't it...it isn't just getting older and yesterday forced me to face that reality. But what am I supposed to do about it? I can't get therapy without risking my career cuz new flash kids: the doctors and medical students that preach mental health and work tirelessly to save your lives aren't able to reach out for help to save ours. And even if I could talk to a therapist I couldn't tell them the truth about how I slice my legs to stop the panic attacks. Or that I have dreams about my mother dying in a plane crash and wake up on the verge of cutting my own carotid cuz she is the only reason I am still alive. I don't have time to waste away in a psych hospital while my dreams of being a doctor slip away. My second year of medical schools starts in a week but I worry more about the next good day.
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