Highschool 😐

I despise it already and I'm not even in it yet. It starts August 12th. There's too many things going on and everything is confusing. I think this is so long that no one is even going to read it 🤡

1) classes

I'm taking AP human geography this year and there was a prep day for it but I didn't go. I walked in the door but couldn't bring myself to go to the classroom and actually sit in there by myself so I just left. Too much social anxiety. I probably should have gone anyway to prepare myself and have a gradual introduction back to being around a ton of people I don't know all the time. Whatever. At least the teacher seemed likeable. It's a man though which I'm not excited about but maybe he's okay.

I'm taking French class this year too. I'm excited about that but also very nervous because it'll probably be kinds hard. I know some French already but barely anything that would help. Oh well. That's fine. I'm still excited. At least I have that to look forward to. I hope the teacher is a lady...

I'm not taking an art class this year but I'm going to next year because it's fun plus it's easier to make friends in art classes because everyone is usually nice and outgoing so I feel better around those people. It's not as awkward and I can feel comfortable enough to actually have conversations and have fun.

I have a medical condition (don't know what yet but we're getting there) so I knew I was going to have to sit out of some things in PE but I still thought I'd have the class. Turns out I might not have it at all. idk how I feel about that tbh. I kinda want to do some of it because last years PE was fun. I think it was just because I liked the teacher and the class was all girls. An all girl class is a good opportunity for friends. Ughhhhhhhh I don't know what to do

My school has this stupid "major" system. Like wth this is highschool not college. We had to pick a hs "major" and that's what decides what classes we can take through the years. I picked animation because I didn't even know that it was supposed to be like a major. They didn't explain it to us so my plan is to just change my "mAjOr" to something different every year so I can have a wide variety of classes to take. Also so I can test the waters for future careers.

2) friends

Omg. I have no friends. People will argue with me when I say that because I have a group of people that I talk to but they're not really my 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴. I can't talk to them about anything that actually matters. You know what I mean?? I want to be able to have deep conversations with someone and trust them etc. Rn I'm dealing with everything alone. Even my bff is annoying me so much lately. She's just so annoying it drives me crazy. Last year I didn't even know if I wanted to still be friends because of some bs, dramatic thing she did. It's too complicated to write here but I rlly just wanted to stop talking to her for a while. We also had a fight like 2 or 3 months (ish) ago and I'm still not over it. She reaaaallllyyy made me so mad. I've hardly been that mad in my whole life.

3) socializing

No. Just no. Literally everyone sucks and even if they didn't I still wouldn't talk to them because im too shy and awkward and I have nothing to say anyway. My aunt made me promise to make new friends because I was complaining to her about my current "friends". She said I have to have at least one new friend by December. I think that would be pretty reasonable except this is my first year of highschool so there's no way I'm gonna want to talk to anyone. That's horrifying. I want to make friends but I don't know how to. I couldn't even go to my human geo prep day so making friends out of people I've never even seen before is verrryyy ambitious. Ugh. I just wish someone would come talk to me first.

4) carpooling ✨ (kind of I guess)

Soooo I went to 2nd grade with this girl who ill call Ria. We weren't in the same class after 2nd grade but we still saw each other and talked some. I went to her birthday party so my mom and her mom became friends. They also both substitute at the schools in my district. Whenever her mom needs help with something my mom is the one who helps. Ria's parents have been in the process of a divorce for 3 years. Her mom can't take her to school for multiple reasons (her job, substituting at other schools or having to leave too early, she's also having a big surgery soon and won't be able to drive for a few weeks) and her dad refuses to take her. So can you guess who has to take her to school everyday now? Us 🙃 I sound annoyed but I'm not actually complaining. It's fine and just means that I'll be forced to friends with her lol. That's a good thing. I like her, she likes me, and she doesn't have a lot of other friends so imma just slide my way in there and become one. I feel bad for her but I'm happy that we can help and that we can know each other more.

5) jealousy

Maaannnn jealousy is real yall. Not even talking about myself rn. I get jealous of other people's lives and what not but my bff gets jealous over me talking to or hanging out with other people. Like she's SO obnoxious about it. She even got mad at someone who she introduced me to because she thought that the girl was trying to "steal me away" from her. Like sis what? I could go on about that but I'll get to the point. Yk how Ria is having to ride with me to school? Bff (calling her Ami from now on for clarity) doesn't like that. She doesn't like Ria either. Ami didn't like Ria before and she sure doesn't like her now. She said that Ria was snobby but ik it's just because she's shy. Maybe it comes off that way but she's not actually snobby. Ami just got the wrong impression and once she decides she doesn't like someone (always for dumb reasons), there's no changing her mind. I wish she'd just grow up a little and get over it.

6) prep day/pictures

We have another prep day tomorrow and there's 2 sessions. You can choose to go to the morning one or the afternoon one. Ami is going to the morning one and me and Ria are going to the afternoon one. We have to drive her there too. None of Ami's other friends are going to the morning one so she was upset that she'd be going alone. She wanted me to come with her but I couldn't because of Ria. I really didn't want to go to the morning one anyway because it starts at 8. Yikes. Also I look dead at 8 am and we're taking our ID pics tomorrow too. Ugh. Pics. I don't want to take one. I'll look ugly. I always look gross in pictures. Idk what to do to change that. Btw Ria originally wanted to go to the morning one (my mom was going to take us separately) but she changed to the afternoon one to be with me because she didn't want to go alone so now I feel special 😌

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Ujhgagahwiwkwmenwjajwj I'm stressed. Mostly about making friends and social anxiety. Also about my... less than great appearance. Let's just say there are prettier people than me. I want more and better clothes so I can look nicer (duh) but money is a problem so I guess I'll just look bad but it's fine 🥲 I'll just buy things with my own money after Christmas ig.... that's so far away.... I also want to be more social and have people like me but idk how so yikes. I hope all this made sense. ok that's all bye, if you read all this here's a cookie 🍪