My Unsent Letter

S

I must admit I feel guilty. I should've stopped you from saying something, especially when I knew that things would never be the same before us if you would actually say it. Believe me when I say that I had absolutely no idea that you still felt the way you did. From what I knew, it was just infatuation and I really did not know you were serious. I thought it was a phase. Which is why your confession took me by absolute surprise.

But you knew what I would say, right? Because you discussed it with my friends and they dissuaded you from it. They were OUR friends and wanted to protect US from getting hurt. I could never understand why you said those things. I was stupid. I should have stopped you from the start. Knowing my tendency to isolate myself from people who like me, I should have stopped you. Because you saying things out loud changed things. And now, we haven't spoken to each other in three years.

I know I am not obliged to say yes in any way. But my heart fucking hurt when I saw the impact of my words on you. Why? Because I am human too. And while I might not reciprocate your feelings, you were still my friend. And I did this to you. Of course it would have affected me too.

I don't know if you blame me for ending our friendship. But I couldn't be friends with you any longer. What I thought was a phase was serious from your side and it just felt so fucking unfair. Did this showcase pretentiousness on my part? Yes.

I did it for myself. I made myself think I did it for you but it was for myself. I get too much invested in people and I couldn't have hurt myself by being with you. It wouldn't work. I know I would feel guilty all the time. So yes, it was selfish on my part. I took the decision for both of us. A part of me thinks that maybe I did it to save US from the hurt I would have inevitably inflicted in the future.

You asked me if I could see the future? I can't.

Yet I knew my present. I knew my background. I knew the possibilities. You were never an option.

I am not angry at you for confessing your feelings. I am angry at my incapability to be friends with you. And the feeling that I hurt you.

I don't know if we will ever meet, but I want to apologise to you.

I am sorry for my callous manner and words.