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Mom left a voicemail and I instantly feel horrible after having an already turbulent morning. The anxiety I feel is crushing, the weight is just so heavy on my heart. I feel pure panic - heavy breathing, increased heart rate and I can’t help but rock back and forth in an effort to comfort myself. I just feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide somewhere they can never find me. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I calm myself down?
I feel like I have no control over my life, every weekend I fear they will arrive and every weekday I dread the coming weekend. This can’t be a healthy way of living. The stress of it also makes me anxious knowing that stress is one of the main reasons people (men specifically) die young. I want to be there for Jean but how am I supposed to be there, now and in the future, if I can’t control the way I deal with stress? I can actually feel it killing me. I never thought I would be so manic but here I am. Damaged goods.
Why is it that I can speak to a crowd of people with less fear than when I speak to my own mother and father? What happened to me in my life that has caused me to become such an insecure and fragile person? What have I allowed them to do to me? What emotionally stunted me? Was it a single event or years of emotional abuse coming to a head? Am I a victim or making myself out to be one? This back and forth is the reason for my inner turmoil and is the reason I can’t have a single healthy relationship.
I hate feeling like the victim in this as I feel like a narcissist. So many others are given far less and are capable of conquering the world. Am I ungrateful? Did I do this to myself? Everyone else seems to be able to move on with life despite their hardships, so why can’t I? Is it time to leave? Or is running from my problems not the answer? Can I even get through to them? I think the answer is no. I’ll always be the one causing drama or overreacting. Gaslighting is all they are capable of. But why am I afraid to admit that to myself? I think the truth is that I don’t want to be alone. But I already feel alone. But where would I go?
How do I live a life without “family”? Haven’t I basically been doing that for the past 10 years? I guess the real question is: How do I live knowing that my family isn’t actually what family is supposed to be? I realize now that my perception of family has been skewed from the beginning. Family is said to be the most important thing, but did they know about my family?
So many questions. They all have answers but none that appeal to the child in me. One thing is for sure, I can’t take this much longer…
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PLEASE HELP ME
Just tell me how to move on...we have no contact...still i think about him everyday every minute...i so regret not accepting him ...plsss help me move on...i do...
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Day 1 of not talking to you
I am sure you are over me now. But i also know you consider me as a friend and ik its way too tough for me to be "just friends" with you coz i love yo...
There are missing alot of info to get just a dumb guess. The only thing or guess i could have is that you've strict parents, Not necessary strict as they're bad to you but it might be as simple as they've high expectations from you and you're afraid to loose their trust etc.
ReplyBut you asked where you go from here? try to be a good person for yourself. Because you'll be living with yourself for rest of your life not your parents.
ReplyYou make a lot of sense, whatever is bothering you from childhood, you need to drop it and go on, but I must admit it's not easy, but think your family is happy, and others are too, so you should be happy with yourself, but thanks for letting us know your feelings. Take care, I pray for you.
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