The last year...

Well here is a little something about me i am a 21 yr man from Arizona US and this last year has been a living hell. I am not trying to be emo just got to vent. It started when i graduated from high school my dad got very sick so i said i would take a year off from school to help my dad until he got better turns out he had COPD and it was in its last stages. For people who don't know CODP is a lung illness that slowly shuts down you're lungs my dad didnt have much time so he wanted my mom to be by her family when he died so we moved to Texas and i found myself working a target coming home everyday to eat launch with my dad stay up late when he couldn't sleep watching old western movies. I couldn't believe he was dying i didn't want to believe it then out of no where i lost my uncle (my dad's brother) in his sleep a month after he came to visit us. It hurt my dad and he got worst. he had to spend a month in the hospital before they let him out. then had came home all was well so I felt i had my dad home we watched movies and got launch together like we had everyday then the worst day of my life happened i got up to go to work and i felt sore and tired. My dad told me just call in and stay home with him. i told him I got to go dad they need me there its a big truck to unload. He replied well I love you son and i am so proud of you. This wasn't new from my dad so i told him 'I love you too dad' and I left a hour after i got to work i unloaded the truck and started boxes away. when i got a text you need to come home from my mom. I replied why with no response. so i called no answer so then i called my grandma who we where living with and my mom answer telling me 'I am sorry, I am so sorry dad's gone' my heart stopped i fell to the floor feeling like the world around me was falling apart and i just started crying alone in the middle of work. I rushed home to see my dad. My Role model the person who thought me how to be a good man lying on the floor. I stopped it heart broke i see my mom I was the only one there so I grab her tell her its all going to be okay. But inside I was falling apart but i knew my mom needed me to be her wall. so i suppressed my all my sadness and guilt for not take the day off from work like my dad told me. To be there from my mom and family. My dad was to young there was so much more for him to see. Sense that day i lost my other uncle (My Mom's brother) from a accent with a firearm and my cuisine from a car accident also a aunt from a heart attack. But people said it gets better I will tell you right now It does not get better at all you just get used to the pain i have nightmares about what i could of done differently to maybe save my dad from his fate. now i live in a trailer waiting on others until i have enough money to go back home to Arizona and finally start my life like my dad wanted me too. And Help my mom find her own path in this world. But until then I get to sit here and just wait and do nothing but wait cant do school cant go home just wait until i can get enough money to go home. To where i belong the place i was raised with the people i know and love the food i eat the air i breath my heaven is to go home. and i hope i can go there soon. but i sit in hell until then.