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I don't know why. As a child I always had an extreme fear of the dark, the kind that leaves you awake, frozen in fear, too scared to close your eyes. I've gotten over that a year or two ago but it comes back for a few days after I watch a scary movie or show or read a scary book. It's a teribble experience.
So the idea of schizophrenia always terrified me. In my most horrifying fantasies I lay in bed awake, staring into the corridor because I'm terrified, and suddenly seeing a face, be it a zombie or a demon in the body of my father or whatever started in the scary story/show I recently experienced, peeking from the edge of my doorframe smiling at me. It ends there, it can't get any scarier than the face poking from the corridor. So naturally the idea of schizophrenia always terrified me. Having that horrifying scene ACTUALLY HAPPEN? I'd rather die than live with that.
So today I thought about it and suddenly got really scared that I have teenage schizophrenia. There's no reason to think that, but the thought was so terrifying I've spent the last three hours staring into the corridor, frozen in fear, with a nightlight on. Because there is the slightest, narrowest chance that the face WILL appear. How do I convince myself I'm fine?
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