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According to Albert Einstein,
Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results
I disagree
That may be true
However
What’s even more insane
Is doing the same thing
over and over again
Knowing it’s hurting you
But not being able to stop
This is what it feels like to have an eating disorder
Knowing it can and will cause permanent damage
Yet too far in to step away
I felt and saw the hurt I was causing
But, for some reason
I kept going back
For some reason
I was convinced
Leaving my stomach
An infilled void
Would close a hole in my heart
Nothing else seemed to fill
It’s as if
I willingly jumped from a mile high cliff
Knowing the ending would be fatal
And doing it anyway
Just for the thrill of falling
Skipping meals
Only created more holes
In my body and my heart
But after a while
The emptiness became addictive
The same way people are addicted
To drugs or alcohol
The same way people tell them and me
That this disorder will kill you someday
As if we don’t already know
Shrinking my body
Into something I thought I could learn to love
Gave me relieving comfort
I couldn’t find anywhere else
That is true insanity
Finding comfort in hurt
Makes you feel crazy
But
Knowing your thoughts are illogical
And your mind is distorted
Doesn’t mean you can stop thinking
There’s no switch to turn off your brain
Believe me
I wish there was
Albert Einstein was right
But
Some of us can see the results from miles away
We just can’t turn back
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Thank you for writing this. It's heartbreakingly relatable and written beautifully. I know restricting won't bring happiness or contentment with my body, but it hasn't stopped me from trying. I'm trapped and I don't even want to escape because a small part of me has hope this time will be different.
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