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Having to watch my mum die of cancer is the most soul destroying, heart breaking thing in the world. And the worst part is I want it to hurry up and take her as I know how much pain and sadness this is causing her. It feels almost cruel to be able to do nothing except sit and watch her die day in day out. Cancer is a cruel SOB which until now hadn't really touched me. Now I feel like I will never escape it and whatever happens it will come and get me too. Obivously I don't want her to die, but at the same time I wish she could be at peace now.
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I went through a similar experience with my mum. All you can do is make the most of what's left, it's going be tough until the end unfortunately.I'm so sorry I can't help more.If you need someone to talk to I will be here for you, just let me know.- stranger
ReplyHiya thanks for your message. Did you feel the same way? Sort of conflicted as you wanted her to live but you also like you wanted the whole thing to hurry up so she would be out of pain?? I feel so selfish for thinking it! X
ReplyYeh totally. It was really tough seeing her in such a weak state especially in the last few weeks. It's totally normal and not selfish at all so please don't feel bad about it. It's such a hard thing for anyone to go through.We looked after my mum at home when she was really weak and at times when her pain was particularly bad we had to call out the local nurse to administer heavy pain relief. It was particularly horrible having to wait for the nurse to arrive while she was in agony, and even after that I felt like in some ways we were just prolonging the pain like you mentioned.Having said all that after she eventually passed and her pain stopped, I would have given anything to spend one more moment with her, even though she was almost unrecognisable at the very end and couldn't speak.I'm sorry I'm not adding anything positive, it's a heavy subject : / but I can guarantee whatever you're feeling is normal, so please don't feel any guilt. It's amazing that you're able to be with your mum at this time and I'm sure she's so happy to have you there with her.I'll be around if you want to keep talking. There must be a lot going on in your head right now.
ReplyThanks Amy. I think this has been coming for a while now, and now that the final days are here we are so focused on the day to day that I have almost forgotten that at some point she's going to be gone. I haven't even had a chance to think about what that might be like and to actually let it sink in.... It doesn't really feel real so it's hard to imagine the future being any different if that makes any sense at all.I had to cancel my dream summer holiday, and I should have been flying out tomorrow..... I know 100% I have the done right thing and there is absolutely no way in a million years I would have gone given where we are in the journey now..... But I feel terrible that I'm still pining and wishing for a holiday?! I haven't said anything to anyone as I feel like it makes me a bad person but I just want to run away!!Thanks for your supportive messages it's good to hear I'm not alone! X
ReplyI don't blame you for wanting to get away! But you're right to stay. You've got the rest of your life to go on holiday, but for now you have to deal with this and I know you can do it.Weird as it may sound, this whole experience will affect you for the rest of your life but there will be positives you can take from it, and it will make you a better person. To care for your mum at a time like this is an incredible thing and I have so much respect for you for doing it.there'll always be people somewhere who can help xx
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