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I live in an increasing amount of pain. Does not matter why. The pain has always been there, since childhood. That pain got worse with years, but now there is another affliction that is getting worse progressively. and with it the pain is becoming less and less tolerable.
I am more of a closed person. I've been on my own for most of my life, but even when I was not there were reasons to ignore my troubles or no reason at all to discuss them.
I grew up in an a... let's say abusive home. I am downplaying that, but it's in the past. The scars are still there, but I tried for so many years to move on from that. And drown out the memories by helping others when I could.
I don't mind talking about the events of my life. But I do so without any emotion. I am not really opening up, just reciting what happened. Being abused, losing family, losing home, losing another home, jobs, my own family and on and on.
And I am tired. I can barely eat or sleep anymore because of the physical pain and when I do get a bit of sleep most of the time I get nightmares from my past. I honestly do not recall last time I felt rested. I try to use work to drown everything, but I can't really work anymore. I have no one I can talk to. I don't even know if I want to. Everyone has problems why should someone have to listen to mine. Why would I burden someone with my pain.
Watching my daughter smile at me that one last time should be a happy memory. A memory of her beautiful face looking up at me and smiling with no care in the world like only a child can. But instead it's a memory of the last time I saw her. I just want to let go.
This is pretty much as far as I can open up. Of all the things that have been done to me. That memory is the only one that still makes me cry. After all this time.
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as long as the person is happy to hear what you got to say go ahead and speak to them. I know it can be very hard to open up as I myself have been struggling with social anxiety but if they are happy to listen it's fine :) plus it's to know that you can come back home with someone interested in what you got to say.
also about your past, I am very sorry to hear about it but as you said try to drown them out maybe by doing something relaxing by colouring or drawing out your emotions. I weirdly found that diffusers help me relax, I just put a scent I like and it calms my thoughts down. maybe it will help you sleep and get your nightmares away <3
sorry if this doen't help im not really good :/ but best of luck :)
ReplyOP here.
Thanks for the advice, I actually like writing, Find it to be a decent release. Though I write fictional stories. Can't bring myself to write real life things.
ReplyJust write anything that makes you happy :)
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