What are you looking for?
From ME, who cares, to YOU, who doesn't
3 months ago · · Stress,
Hi, how are you?
A stupid question, I know, since I've seen you just three days ago and you were more than fine... But I guess I ask that at the beginning of every single letter I write so it's become some sort of a habit for me.
Yeah, three days ago at the party. Tho we were both there, it felt as if we weren't for most of the time, talking to different people and avoiding eye contact as if just one look would could break the fragile truce we hold. But you know what? I think it broke that night anyway. You don't know that I was still awake, I doubt you'll ever find out that I heard that conversation.
The one in which my drunk best friend asked you about the breakup. You were drunk under the table as well, I was one of the only two people that stayed sober. You will never know that my heart stopped at the question "I wanna hear the other side of the story of your relationship". But you know what? That wasn't the thing that hurt me. It was just a warning, seconds before you would break my heart all over again.
Wasn't it enough to ignore me in the end, not answer even to a simple greeting as if I was just a ghost that you didn't see? All that while we were still technically together? You know how terrible it was, I told you how much it hurt when for a month you acted as if I didn't exist without ever telling me that something was wrong! But now that I know the whole truth, this all feels like nothing.
I thought I was fine by now, that I wouldn't mind being in the same room together since we have the same friends but now, I am not so sure. After thinking for long weeks that you were just a little bad at expressing feelings to others and considering their emotions, a little insensitive.... I can't really see you as such a good person anymore.
You don't understand how much you meant to me, how could you? After all, it was you, who told this to my friend at five in the morning: "Do you know what friends of convenience are? I feel like that was something that she was to me, I just saw her so often that I began to think it would be nice to date her since she was around all the time anyway."
And after she asked when you stopped being interested in the relationship, you said something so horrible it will haunt me for many months to come. That it felt the best in the summer, before we even started going out officialy. You know what that means, right? It means that even the first damn time you kissed me wasn't genuine because you "weren't feeling it" at that time either. And I was so happy back then, feeling like the two of us could be something. Why did you even ask me out in the first place when it had to end up like this? 8 months wasted in a relationship where only I was falling deeper and deeper in love as you grew more and more bored and realized that I wasn't even good enough to be a friend. No, just a 'friend of convenience'.
I think that that was the last thing I needed to fully get over you and yet, I somehow wish I was asleep not to hear it. Because if I didn't maybe, just maybe, I'd still think I'm worth something. That someone could possibly be romantically interested in me at some point. But that's not it, right?
One last year and then we graduate and go our separate ways to university. And tho I'll see my other friends, I hope I won't run into you. To be honest, if it was possible, I'd hope I'd never ever see you again.
But I guess that even if you got this letter, you wouldn't care. You didn't care about my feelings before so why would you do so now? So I won't send it, I'll just leave it hanging.
It's a letter from me, who cares, to you, who doesn't