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I don't know why but I'm pretty sure that i was the one to make my mom cried today. When I saw her cry I know she was thinking about something that made her sad, and I cannot take it out of my mind that it was me who is causing it.
My mom is very different compared to me. She is very conservative and strict to herself about the faith she believes in. I know that I was also kind of like that back then, but I can never accept things without explanation, unlike her. Her faith is not false, her belief and her virtue is kind, but I don't really like it because it doesn't show any compassion toward other people who doesn't share the same faith. I grow to become someone who is unable too see that faith bloom in me.
Of course every mother would hope to feel the most compassionate towards her children, especially my mom. The only way she knows how to do it is to hope that other people become like her, someone who is so faithful and pious. Because that is the way to become the happiest and the most saved. When her own children is becoming someone who is "not saved", naturally she becomes grievous and sad. That's is how she is someone who is very compassionate, but she knows no other way.
She is not someone who is growing in a communicative family, as most people aren't. She is not good at communicating her intentions and feeling, being open and vulnerable. She is defensive and strict, she can't talk what she really wanted. I was also like that, and I'm still struggling. As anybody else who is just as unfortunate, we don't always have somebody who will to listen to any of our worries without returning a snide remark. That's is also why most people are not good at trying to understand other people, because lack of communication, and so is my mom.
It will be hard for my mom to understand me and accept my resolve and decision. It's hard for my mom to communicate her worries about me if she has any. I will also find it very hard to tell her if I will ever decide to do so. This is not simple matter for her, or for me. I decided it after years of contemplating. But I'll never supposed to know what's bothering her mind, and I'm not somebody who can listen to her while hiding a big secret behind her caring eyes.
If I ever see my mom crying again, I will have to apologize to her for every of my mistakes. If it can ease her heart just a little, even if I'm not the cause for her crying. I will have to, even if I can't tell her the whole truth, I will have to just apologize. Because only then I will be able to listen to her. To be someone who is there waiting for her to open her heart. I don't want to ever know that she is crying by herself. I want her to tell me when she is happy, when she is sad, or when she is worried. Isn't that how you love someone?
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