Under pressure

I don't want to be that teacher that gets angry parent calls. I don't want students to feel bad because of me whether intentional or unintentional. I don't want to fail at the lesson plans and the required level of excellence the school is pursuing. I don't want to fail my masters degree work. I want to be here, I want to be awesome, I want to help change lives, I want to not feel as bad as I do. When I was 19, on my birthday today, my mom came out as gay changing my immediate family and told me my grandfather had a few days left to live. It was my first real experience with the death of a loved one. I get this way every year at this time and I hate myself for it. I just want to stop feeling this way and be the better person I have seen my self become at times. I want to belong and not feel like an imposter about to be found out. I want some semblance of balance and peace in my life. I want to talk to people but I don't know how much is too much to share and how much is not enough. Why can't I find that balance??? I want to stop hurting today.