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i've thought about it for a long time now & despite having a bunch of people around me i think that i really have no friends. yes i interact with them, but i couldn't really make myself consider them as someone genuine. i've known them since i was a kid. it's like they keep hiding things from me, and i don't want to bother confronting them because maybe they just don't wanna talk about, so like i just don't. if i get the spotlight they lose the smiles on their faces and move on and divert their attention to something that they all like instead. they don't tell me honestly if an outfit looks good or bad at me, even if i know damn well it looks horrible still i'd ask and they'll tell me i look cute on it. im trying my best to catch them up on things they've missed out on but to them they don't even bother asking me anything of that sort. i'm not asking anything in return, i just really want a genuine friendship like that thing when you're in your highest and they're really happy for you, like they want to celebrate with you, not to frown because you did so and compete against you. i've told my mom about this and she said maybe i'm losing friends because the problem's in me. i know it is, but what have i been doing wrong? i never hide my feelings from them, i want them to know how i feel so that there's nothing to hide. when i tell them that they're doing bad, they get somewhat upset and i'm the bad guy. when i get new things or reach my goals, they tell me a sly congratulations and move on with their lives. i know a lot of you would prolly tell me to cut them off. i want to, really. but they were my friends since i was a kid, and i still love them. i still want to make things work because i just can't throw away 14 years of friendship down the hole just because im being emotionally sensitive right now. i can't tell them all these because i know they'll tell me "that's your fault for not telling us" or "oh" and their faces would say "what am i supposed to do about that", yfeel? to be direct, i just want them to return to me the love i give them. i know i said i don't want anything in return, but at least i want something genuine. at the end of the day, my mom tells me that the only person i can rely on is myself. i cherish that to heart, but she also tells me that not having any friends isn't healthy and it would eventually get me depressed. ik that, mom. i just don't know what to do. i don't know where to go. i don't have anyone to talk to, and at the same time i don't wanna talk about it. but i just want to get rid of this weight off my chest. i can't force things to go my way, so i'm just stuck here. and no one around me would ever know.
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Replyi get you. but sometimes, it feels better when someone actually likes you regardless of your flaws. one day someone would just accept you for who you are, and eventually you might want to forgive yourself a little. one day.
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