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I really need to say this but I don't have anybody to tell so I'll write it
2 years ago · 2 · no advice, +2
378
I already have made a few calls to some hotlines about counseling and guidance blablabla...and as much as it hurts me to say it: They are no help. Those people are so kind and warm and patient and they wanna help me, they really do, but all the things they say, I already know and THAT is the problem, that is why I call them. Because even though I know what the problems are, what I'm struggling with and how I, hypothetically, could solve them, there are so many things that prevent or hinder me from doing so. So, I do not call them because I expect answers or hope, but to express how lonely and hopeless I am. And I just need somebody to hear that. Someone that will only listen, not comment, not look for a solution. I am an over thinker, so trust me when I say, I thought about everything and it is just not possible. I think, I'm at a point where everything just got too complicated and I can do nothin but simply lay still and wait - no clue for what.
Just to name one quick thing: WHY is therapy so freaking expensive, just WHY? I live in a country, where we have a good health care system and I am grateful for it. But somehow for therapy most of the therapists, basically all of them, only take certain people (context: people with a good amount of money at their disposal). And to me, frankly, it does not make sense. Could be naive but I think, a therapist should be someone that truly enjoys helping people who are in need of it and sure, you studied hard, you put time, money and effort into it and you want your credit (quite literally), but how would someone ("average"), especially young people (!), have so much money left or just in general to pay hundreds of dollars for four hours a month. I mean, please, all I want is some health and stability. At this point, I'd have to give up a kidney to afford help for my mental health. And, again, I live in a country with a good health care system. That's just sad.
I just don't know anymore. It sounds so cliché but when I try to imagine a future, nothing comes to my mind. In my head I really don't have a future or hope or like something which makes life bearable. It kinda feels like I don't care. Sure, I care about my friends and my family and people, that have warmed my heart so far, but not really. I love them, but I think, nothing can make me happy or truly care anymore. I would throw myself under the bus for them or something but not hesitate for a second to simply walk off into a deserted place in the woods or something and try to make a living out there: In peace, in quiet. I am already lonely, so that wouldn't be new. I still wouldn't be happy, hell no, but I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. And that is a big bonus because, obviously, it is exhausting. I am just really exhausted.
Well, I didn't really mention what exactly my problem is, because that would probably require a trained doctor, which I, clearly, am not. And also because it would be too much to tell. Wouldn't know where exactly to start and how much detail and blablabla. Even thinking of everything is a lot, explaining it to myself and trying to understand (and I am part of it!), so how could I explain it to someone else.
Anyways, thanks for letting me write. I needed this.
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Stay strong, youve got this ❤ im proud of you
ReplyI know the same things frustrate me. I contacted a crisis line and they couldn't help or do much of anything for me. The therapy counseling etc here is really expensive too. It's like the people who want and need it can't get it unless they go to extreme measures I won't go there but that still doesn't guarantee help. Who has $200 per hour for a therapist more or less? Sure not me. Anyway I hope you get any help that you may need. I know things are frustrating but don't give up. Keep staying strong.
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