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So I think I've had feelings for my best friend for the past 3 years. I genuinely thought I was over it when I started dating and I was doing good too, but every time we got together and went drinking, it always felt different. I can't tell if he's being nice to me or he's also feeling something. It's too confusing and it's eating my head. We're pretty casual and hang out a lot with our friend group but whenever we go drinking, whenever we're all chilling and we're all in a good place and buzzed, I can't help but notice that he and I do get kinda cosy around each other. We've held hands and refused to let go until it had been a while, we've caught ourselves staring at each other and we do get cute and comfortable. All of this lasts while we're enjoying and then we go back to being casual friends. I don't know if this is all in my head or he's feeling the same too. Just last weekend a few of our friends came to town to meet us after 1.5 years so we all decided to spend the night together and catch up. I passed out at 1 am because I was quite drunk and puked too. By 5 am, the rest of my friends slept off too and he had multiple rooms he could pass out in. However, I woke up at 5:30 to him sleeping next to me and all I wanted to do was cuddle and sleep. He also had the entire bed empty and could've slept on the other corner of the bed or in other rooms but he slept next to me. This could also be because he wanted to make sure I was okay since I was puking earlier but I really don't know what he's thinking. It's killing me. I obviously didn't act on my thoughts because we're both with different people and it's so fucked up. I genuinely do love my boyfriend but I used to like this best friend before I ever knew my boyfriend and I really thought I was over this phase and it never bothered me. This is coming back to me and I don't really know what to do. Is it okay to have all of this in your head while you don't act on it? I had no other place to get it all out and hence had to do it here. Everyone thinks I am in a long happy relationship and I really am but this one thing is making me feel very anxious and confused. I wish to close this chapter once and for all and I don't wish to hurt either of my close people during this process.
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