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I hate being born in a fat family. I am the only skinny one but guess what i have an ed. It starts off as anorexia but as i reach my goal weight it turns into bulimia. I cant help but to binge then restrict. I love my family so much but i am sure we all have eating disorders. My sister is dealing with binge eating disorder. And my mom weighs herself a lot and talks about food a lot in an unhealthy way. Itβs like all i think about is food and i know that all they think about is food too. It makes me sad and they sometimes are a trigger to my binges when i feel like my sister is binging it makes me sad for her so i binge as well. I also might be assuming all this and they are perfectly fine but that just makes me insane and makes my eating disorder have control over me. I dont want to recover because i dont want to gain weight. But i cant keep living like this. I have always been on the skinny side i hate myself for being selfish and wanting to be skinnier. I have no social life now and all i think about is my ed. 24/7. I feel like recovery's impossible and i dont want to go through that. I hope my ed will suddenly disappear. I literally just binged and now im writing this.
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It will take time but I'm 100% sure that you can make it. I know it seems impossible i've been there, first I was bulimic then anorexic. It took a lot of courage time and hard work but believe me it's so worth it. I've been eating whatever I want for two years now and sometimes I still cry over how INCREDIBLE it feels, binging or starving are nothing compared to this feeling.
You are not a number or a shape, you're a wonderful person. You deserve first of all to be happy and you know what you're doing right now isn't making you happy, and there's your first step. You have all the strenght it takes, believe me. But I would not recommend doing this alone, especially if your family has issues related to yours. Therapy was a big part of my journey, it's not just about your body, it's mainly about your self worth. You need to learn again how to love youself, forgive yourself, validate yourself. It's a lot of work but it pays off. You deserve everything good in this world, stay strong π
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