my thoughts & feelings

Lately I have genuinely struggled to find genuine happiness in something, trying new things to locate happiness or to distract the fact you're hurting. Around others I find myself forcing a smile and being instantly chatty, pretending to be okay. I want to be able to talk about how I am feeling but when I try I feel weak and vulnerable or the person doesn't understand why I am feeling like this as there really isn't a reason for it. To be able to live and have a family that does care for me but mentally no matter how many people in my life and the many times they say "I am always here for you" just doesn't seem to change the fact that I feel so lonely. I feel stupid saying it but even around people I still feel the constant sadness and loneliness or the awareness of others around me. This is my first time writing about my feelings and it feels good to spill it all on one page, a way of venting. I want to continue this and see if it will possibly make me feel better in any sort of way. Also if you're reading this I really hope things do get better for you and that you are loved, even if you may not have it or feel it right now. I promise one day you will.