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A typical day in my shoes? That is something so heart breaking to share. I wake up everyday with my eyes feeling heavy like if my eyeballs were weights. I wake up with a heavy load on my back making me feel smaller each step I take. Worst of all, I wake up with a pit of emptiness in my stomach, each day getting closer and closer to where my heart is supposed to be. As I get up to sit on my bed, I struggle to breathe. The hole in my stomach attracts the air around me and makes my throat go dry. I try to get off my bed when suddenly, an endless staircase appears in front of me. Each stair, filled with sharp needles. Then, I hear familiar voices yelling at me telling me to get up, it's late, and that it is not that hard getting out of bed. Soon enough, some force forces my body to get up and walk down the now bloody staircase that finally gets me across my room. When in the shower, I get paranoid with my toothbrush, sometimes it magically turns into a razor and the paste turns into blood. As I get ready, I stare at my reflection with confusion and astonishment... not believing that who I am seeing in the mirror, is really me. When nude, I try to avoid the mirrors but, sometimes I fail to do so, when this happens, I feel my body freeze and the tears slide down my face. When finally ready, I find myself playing with my food in the kitchen, hoping mother looks the other way so I can give it to my dog. On the way to school, I tell myself that today will be different, today the sun will shine and I will feel happy... it never happens. As I walk into school, I walk with my head down and with my AirPods blasting my music. Although, even when my music is at the max, I hear people talking about me. People I never even knew existed yet, somehow they know me. I keep to myself all day long even at home. I try to smile and be respectful but, the anger inside of me is building up each day. Sometimes, I catch myself doing things I never thought I would like getting high and skipping class. But sometimes, it's worse, I think of hurting. Most of the times, myself. I feel crazy and each day I convince myself more and more that I am not okay, because of this, I say nothing. My fear would be hurting the people most important to me but, the thought of getting locked up somewhere they do indeed think I am crazy and away from sane people, that is the worst of fears. The things I feel, the things I think, the way I act... I just wish I could tell you I was alright and mean it, but I can't. I would then be lying.
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Hey hun. So I felt the way you do right now. When I was school I couldn't sleep the night before because of many issues. I've dreamt of streams of blood and told my friends my dreams. They never really said anything because, what could they say? You should talk to your caregiver about getting a counseler and a psychiatric doctor to help you. I had to wait until I got insurance. When youre 18 and dont have a full time job with benefits, you'll qualify for Medicaid along with food stamps as long as you claim homeless. But I hope it doesnt take that long for you to get help. I hope you can get it while youre in school. If I got help when I was in school I might have went to college or had a chance to. I think it would help you a lot academically if you can. I know it would have me.
ReplyHey. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please open up to someone. Anyone. Get help. You are not alone. I hope things get better for you. I know they will. You’re perfect the way u are
ReplyThen change your mindset, do something competitive and accomplish things. Duh 🤷♀️
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