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I don't what to feel exactly. You know, there's a guy that's been constantly on my mind. He was my first love, however, I was young and immature back then. It was new to me, and I didn't know how to react or be someone who is somehow in a relationship with someone. He made me feel so loved, confused, scared, important, and even worthless in the end. I deeply regret the things that I did, however, I also know that we both made mistakes during that time. I always thought to myself that I should've been honest and straightforward about my feelings. That people won't necessarily understand how you feel if you don't talk about it and not show or portray to that person how much you feel the same way as him.
As a girl who knows that I doesn't stand a chance with any relationship because of my religion, which what I thought that time, I knew there was something special with us. However, as perks of being young and innocent about how relationship works, I fucked up. Lol. It hurts though. I don't know why, but my motto back then was that," as long as the person special to me is happy, I'll do anything even If I have to sacrifice my own happiness".
I already predicted that my bestfriend would fall for him as because of my intuition and how a girl feels things. I thought that it was alright for me to let him go. However, I didn't know it would hurt so so so so so fucking bullshit much. It made me crazy. I felt so so so so much much pain. I was confused, hurt, and deeply sad. The agony I've felt. It was all too much. I also remembered that I think he learned to to draw on his wrists/pulse I think because of me. I was lost because back then also as my family drifted away and there was no one I could lean into. I was broken and then I was broken and broken and broken all over again, every damn day. Not by just how the world works, how others treated me, but also because of the bad habit I've picked up to somehow ease the pain. But, It wasn't actually a good one. Even thought it eases the pain temporarily, afterwards, regret and the feeling of wanting die comes after.
I already know that sooner or later, something big will happen between them, but when it actually happened without my knowledge suddenly... I don't know why. I was deeply shocked and confused myself. Why did I feel that way? Why does it hurts so much with him together with my bestfriend? Afterwards, everything changed.
That was in the past and just part of the whole story. Now, it's been like 2 years or what when I haven't seen him, but a year when I was still in school, but I didn't attend the online class. I just studied on the same school, same section, but separated to them in a way. However, I also fucked up, so now I'm repeating class. gosh, the trauma with my school and everyone there was something I couldn't bear.
I couldn't stand seeing them, even our adviser, and there are people I've started to hate despite they are new their. I feel so scared of everyone by that time, I was so depressed. My friends were gone, the responsibilities was too much, the trauma, depression, and everything took a toll in me.
Now, I'm a little bit better, but still in a worst state. However, I'm doing good, kinda' hard to understand, right? Now, I'm trying to lilve without them and not think of any of the bad things that happened in the past in my school. However, my memory is actually good which is great for studying, but it sucks when I can clearly remember everything has happened so fucking clearly. That's why I've been trying to avoid social media as possible to start all over again and control my depression and not overthink.
it's still bumpy, but there are times I couldn't take it and I check my social media and boom, they come out of nowhere while I'm posting a picture or just looking. Gahh, that boy is also ughhh fucking irritating me off. I'm not swearing at him, I'm swearing the situation itself. he's important to me all in all, but he's been oon my mind for years. Why can't just he leave me alone, and not give mixed signals. Like shit, he's just going to say to himself, "I'll always be here to help you of you're in need" and blah blahh. fucking jerk. I'm not a fucking baby in need of a care. You don't have to fucking to like even one of my post because It's making me fucking stupid even just one of your action. I know you mean it like what I just said, but you must fucking know that I don't control how my mind and heart works fucking idiot. It's not like they'll follow me when I say stop overthinking, and thinking that there's still a chance, and I feel different about you again, and such YOU FUCKINGGG JERRKKK AN D IDIOTTTTT. GAHHH. I LIKE YOU AND YOU'VE BECOME SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO ME BUT I KNOW THAT I WE'RE NOT REALLY MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND IM TRYING TO LET GO OF YOU ALREADY. SO BITCHHHH STOOPP. THANK YOU FOR CONCERN BUT I DONT NEEDDD IT GAHHHH. YOU FUCKINGG JERK.
YOU CAN JUST FUCK OFF LIKE HOW NORMAL PAST EX-BLAHBLAH UGHH WOULD. AVOID ME, UNFRIEND ME,BLOCK ME, THAT WOULD HELP ME MUCH BETTER. STOP IT YOU FUCKING PRICKKKKKK!!! I HATE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL( not in the way of like killing intent, but in the way of making me feel up and down all over again when I'm trying to restart my life). SOOOO FUCKING STOP IT YOUUU JERKKKKKKK!YOU HEARTLESS PIECE OF SHITTTT! I KNOW YOU'RE SINCERE BUT STOP IT ALREADY FOR MY FUCKING SAKE YOU SHITTT! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOUR HELP NOR DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK AFTER ME! I'M NOT A KID BRUHHH! NOR AM I CRAZY! BUT I AM ALREADY AND WILL BE MORE IF YOU CONTINUE TO ACT LIKE THIS. EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT TALKING ANYMORE AND I'VE ALREADY DELETED OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION, ONE DAY OR ANOTHER, I'LL JUST MESSAGE YOU OUT OF NOWHERE AND SAY FUCK YOU FUCKINGGG PRICKKKKKK!
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Well, from reading all of this, it's easy to see how much this all means to you. It's also easy to see how much it's affecting you as well.
Some bumps in the road are much bigger than other and some of them take much longer to move on from.
At this point, I think you have two choices available to you and I'd recommend picking one and then sticking to it.
Your first option, I think, is to disconnect from these folks as it seems seeing them together is driving you crazy. It may be hard, but you may need to reach out to them (or at least the guy) and explain that you seeing them together isn't easy and, as a result, you feel it's best for all to keep distance and contact from one another. With this, they fully understand your expectations and hopefully will respect that. Then, I would remove them from social media so you aren't seeing their updates any more. It could take a while but, in time, you'll heal and will find someone new and can be happy with this new guy and no longer be bothered by your old relationship.
Your second option is to embrace the fact that these two who, at least at some point, meant so much to you (one as a boyfriend and one as a best friend) are now in a relationship. If you can swallow that pill, you could continue to interact with these folks and move on with your life by keeping your eyes open looking for a new boyfriend.
From the story, however, I dont' suspect the latter is a bridge you're wanting to cross and, if that's the case, you'll want to go with option one. It's not easy to ask them to cut ties with you, I'm sure, but this is a far better outcome than you suffering day in and day out.
I remember being in love in my early 20s and the girl and I had broken up. After the separation, I remember thinking that no one would ever love me again and that I had blown it. Such a strange thing to think, for anyone at any age really, but certainly for someone in their early 20s. There was pain and it did last a long time but it did eventually go away. I started dating others and, many years later, I got married.
Your time will come but, to stop your day-to-day pain and struggles, you have to make a decision regarding how comfortable you'll be having them in your life as friends. Again, if you're ok with that, take Option 2 but, if you think seeing them together is a reminder of the bad times and brings you misery, you should take Option 1.
I know it hurts now but I hope you realize things will get better. For that to happen, though, you must set some clear expectations of how you want to handle this and then make sure they understand what you want to happen and make sure you stick to your plan.
Good Luck!!
ReplyThank u very much for such a great advice that you have given to me! Hopefully, someday it won't hurt anymore. Actually, we don't talk to each other anymore, especially my old friend. I'm genuinely happy actually for them though. It's just that because it's my first, I didn't know that it would hurt so much, and affect me too much as well. When I was young, I thought they look good together.
However, along the way, I didn't know why, but it just started to hurt. I'm really trying to move on. I really want to already. I wish it could all end already, however, I know it's not easy it is. He really means so much to me, but I understand that there are people who aren't meant to be in your life and were just passing by to teach you some lessons and such.
I really really really really want to get better already. Someday. Someday I will. Thankk youuu~
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