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Married with kids but i think i love another woman
2 years ago · 2 · what would you do , +1 · Explicit
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over 20 years ago i met this woman on a retreat we were at..... we didn't know each other during the time there but met on a 2 day trip on the way home a stop off in Paris, basically I feel that there was a spark, a connection an intimacy between us i've never felt it with anyone else before. I at the time was with my now husband. When we were on the trip nothing happened nothing has ever happened. When we went home I used to write letters to her for a few years just daily life stuff kind of childish really but it was what it was i was only about 25/26 years old.
Fast forward a few years and myself and my fiance get married and I invite her to the wedding and she came. The eve of my wedding I was like oh man if I go down to her room I don't know what would have happened then again maybe nothing would have happened but it took a lot of self discipline to stay away from her room. It really did.
I've always fancied men and women but I suppose i've never said anything to anyone about it. I have a masculine energy i suppose I work out I am very active person. And i think from supressing my feelings about this woman and my sexuality I suppose I gained a lot of weight over the years too. I struggled to conceive and decided to knuckle down and lose weight and i did and got pregnant with my first child and my friendship with this woman kind of dampened out and tapered off she was doing her own life and i was living mine. I had a miscarraige and a full term loss then, destroying me, ruining my life breaking my heart, I didn't get too much contact from the lady but thats ok not everyone was able to deal with the loss.
A few months ago I was updating my profile on linked in and the lady is messaging me and I dunno it felt good it felt like the connection was back I told her i was up her side of the country in a few weeks and she was like oh i'll meet you.
So we were in a rented house out in the garden chatting and had a lovely time, she was friendly with everybody and any chance she could touch off of me or kind of hold my hand she was like a giddy child, I was like oh man ...... oh man like I fancy her, I want to hold her hand, I want to hold her, I want to make love to her I think but I wouldn't know the first thing to do its not my scene....there's always been something about this woman. She's older than me and she's aged and gained some weight but the spark is there its an intimate connection not a physical one.... I genuinely feel like there is something between us.... when she was driving off in the car she mouthed love you to me, I was like oh love you too trying to make light of it, but i meant every word. I'm a married mom like what am i thinking.
We were chatting on messenger and she said woudn't it be great if we could meet up again and I jumped at it, we have agree to meet up the country. I will fly and she will drive I've told noone I'm meeting her. I will make it look like I'm working. But she's treating us to a posh lunch so I've to get all dressed up and I'm looking forward to seeing her so so much. I keep imagining myself saying just let me hold you hand in mine and sit with her in silence for a few mins....oh bliss....
I love my husband so so much too, so i'm all confused. I'm happily married and I'm thinking of my kids too. Am I being stupid meeting up with her. She might be thinking this is a platonic meeting. I'm overthinking as to what her intentions are too maybe its just 2 friends meeting up. In our 18 years of knowing each other we have never been truly alone together and this is the thing, if we get to be alone what would happen oh my god i just don't know.... is this worth messing my marraige up, I've my flight booked I've told noone, I'll be up to meet her and home in the evening, I'm going to see.....I've got to see, its like an unfufilled need that's inside of me for years..... but what am I doing am I crazy???
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I’m guessing from what you say your husband is not for open relationships?
But maybe consider the following:
How would you feel about opening up to your husband about your sexuality in general? How do you think he would respond?
If this is part of yourself which is important to you, would you not want him to be aware of it?
You don’t want to leave your family, but maybe this is more about not denying who you are. As you say, having an affair might just cause more suppression and guilt.
Good luck.
ReplyIt must be hard feeling like this and conflicting because you love your husband but can’t let go of this spark. Think about it maybe being more in your head. If I were you, I wouldn’t tell my husband anything about sexuality and open relationships or anything like that and I would not do anything sexual with the woman because it could ruin the marriage and damage the husband and kids. I think the wise thing to do would be to not meet her because you know you have these emotions for her so distancing from her would be best even though it could be painful first. I think you are in a tough time mentally and think this woman will be part of a solution to that rather than actually loving the woman herself, you barely even know her. Try speaking to someone through therapy maybe. You seem emotionally sort of suffering after the miscarriage and possibly other stuff in your life. Please, just think about your marriage and children and how much you value them. Is it worth it ? Long term, what can this woman really do for you? How would you feel if your husband told you he thinks he is in love with another man/woman or if you find out he lied about a work trip and is actually visiting someone else. Good luck.
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