I'm Scared

I'm scared. Scared out of my mind. I'm scared because I don't know where my life is headed from here. I can't make anything out of this fog that is my future. I just started my freshman year of college, and I think the worst part about it is that I decided to take organic chemistry. Or no. My father decided I would. Truth is I don't even want to go pre-medicine. I don't want to take classes like these. Not because they're hard (I'm sure I can do them) but because I have no motivation for them. But then what do I have motivation for? What do I like? I have no idea. I can't imagine myself doing anything for the rest of my life. I don't know what I want because I don't even think I WANT anything because I don't LIKE anything. I feel numb. I don't like that my feelings are gone. I wonder what I could've been if I wasn't like this. Am I depressed? Am I allowed to say that? Am I just being a big privileged baby? There's hella people that never get to go to college and I'm in there complaining that I don't know what to do with it. I'm scared because I have no control. I can't control what my family wants from me, I can't control this state my head has been in recently, and I can't control myself. Because lately I don't even think I care about myself. I don't like myself. I don't like the state that I'm in. I don't like that I don't know where I'm going. I don't like that I can't turn to anyone. I don't like my current state of existence. I don't like that I have to use this website because even the very few people I do trust and talk to sometimes have lives that I don't want to interrupt with problems like these. I can't be that pitiful. I can't show that much weakness. They've seen my weakness but I can't bring myself to show how truly down I am. I just want to be normal again. I wanna trust someone. I wanna love someone. I thought that was someone was maybe God but even now my faith falters sometimes and I don't know what the reality is. I'm scared to try to fix myself because I'm scared of failure. I'm all too familiar with that. I'm scared that asserting what I want is gonna be met with resistance. I'm scared that the very people that I live with, as much as they are the source of some problems in my life, will stop believing in me because I won't do what they want. It all comes down to uncertainty and my track record with this type of dilemma has never been good. Something ALWAYS ALWAYS goes wrong. And it gets so hard to get back up again because like I've been saying I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S WORTH IT. I'm scared that I'm unlovable. I'm scared I'll never find peace with myself. I'm scared that this state of being alone will never change. I'm scared I'll never be seen as someone that's normal. Someone that okay. Someone that did it. Someone that made it through. I'm scared I'm gonna be the kid that fell off once he left high school. I'm scared that I'm scared and that I'll never not be scared again. Send me someone or something please God and I hate saying it and I hate admitting it but I'm scared that you don't want to or that you don't even exist. That's scary.