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the night was as any other. the same as the night before, and the night before that and so on. we were both going to the same place, thinking different things, with different purpouses. I was heading for the dinner, you were heading for the party.
I ate my pasta and drank my beer, all carefully mesured because I had taken my pills. the ones that make me so called "happy". the ones that won't allow me to cry.
when other people started coming, my anxiety went up, so I drank a cup of fresh white wine. it tasted like I needed a cigarette.
I looked at my rolling tobacco and felt such an awful lazyness take over me. that made turn to the side, right or left, I can't say, and asked you for a cigarette. You gave me either a Cheterfield Original or a Marlboro Red.
I thanked you and asked for you name. only knew how you were called the next day, because after that cigarette, I blacked out.
woke up, with nine hours missing from my memory, with little to no knowlege of what had happend to me the night before.
I remembered a wood, and being rolled over on the ground of it.
I remembered my pants that wouldn't zip.
I remembered a messy room, and someone bangging agressively on the door.
after that, nothing.
I went back to sleep, this time on my bed and not on the unconfortable couch. some hours passed and I was woken up for good. my head was throbbing, my pants were... zipped.
I reached for my pocket and found someyhing that made my blood run cold. it was a wrapper. a wrapper of a thing that only people who want to avoid getting pregnant use. so why, why was that in my pocket?
I panicked and reached for my phone hoping I could call someone to clarify why was that in my pocket, but my phone was missing. panic again.
I tried to be calm, my brain was screaming at me for answers, but I tried to keep it calm.
I headed to the beach where I met my friends and they told me what had happend the night before.
apparently I had gotten to know you in an intimate way, in a way that I only got to know people when I loved them, and I was sure that I didn't love you, a complete stranger. instead of bursting into tears I hid it in the back of my mind.
a week passed and you told me what you had done. there was a video of me, or there used to be. I insulted you, screamed. I wasnted to cry but I couldn't. my pills said it wasn't time yet.
so I ended up conforting you while you cried. you cried when I was supposed to do so. notjing more happend.
didn't hear from you for the next month. until one night, I was out with my friends and I saw you, two tables across from me. panic. still no tears. the pills said it wasnt the time yet. I pushed it away. I didn't care, right?
two nights after that, saw you again. didn't care.
two months after that,I'm at a party. I was tired. tired of friends of yours aproaching me on the street, mocking me because of the situation. I was still confused about that night, no memory to help me recall the events.
you're at that party as well, it's late, we both had enough to drink. you came and talk to me. you tell me you don't regret what we had done. I shake my head, not agreeing, not saying anything about it.
a stupid thing comes out of your mouth regarding my lack of memory. so, a stupid idea comes to me.
I pull your arm, deseperate to find answers. I kiss you and you kiss me back.
it felt weird, almost unnatural, and still, no memory came, only your smell. after a while you told me to leave, so I did.
when I got home I could still feel your hands all over me, telling me how blessed I am in certain parts of my body.
I could still smell you, I smelled like you, and it was suffocating.
so I went to the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and blew my nose. I could still smell you.
I went to sleep a restless sleep and when I woke up, I could still smell you.
I went on with my day, with your smell all over me.
I got home and I could still smell you. so I got in the bathtub. I let the hot water burn my skin, hoping it would take you away from me.
I turned off the hot water and I could still smell you. so I broke down, sat in the tub, and my pills finally gave me the green light. so I did as I was told.
this, is how you made me cry in the shower.
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