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Hello to anyone reading this. I always felt like I had my life under control, how I knew how to handle any situation. But here I am, crying and unable to do anything. I am that type of girl that smiles 24/7, receiving compliments on how positive and good spirit I am. I am that type of person that can listen to you talk for hours, giving you advices and cheering you up without wanting anything in return. I thought that that was a great way of living life, and that I was lucky to have a "good" life with no problems and enough energy to give to others. But as time goes by, I realise that my life isn't as perfect as I think it is. I'm 19, and I know that life has just started for me, but it already feels like too much.
I have problems with my dad, which I can't even have a talk with without starting an argument. I'm currently considering living home to go live by myself, but the studies I do right now, which I love, cost a lot and I know that paying for everything myself won't be an option. I have classes most of the days and that would imply that I should get 2, or even 3 jobs in order to have enough money and I know that I wouldn't be able to handle that many things. I won't go in too much details about what's going on with my dad, but trust me when I say that I wish there was a world without him in it. My mom has her problems. She cries and really is unhappy because of him but can't leave him, because he manipulated her in a way that he is the one controlling everything, from the income to the requiered papers to signs/make in order to live life. She doesn't know anything that is a pre requiered if you ever consider living on your own. She also has an illness that causes her terrible pain all troughout her body. She saw countless doctors and specialists and all of them were unable to find out what she has. She suffers for now 7 years I believe, and the feeling I have when I see her cry because of the pain, because of how sick she is of all this suffering, is unbearable. I feel powerless, and even though I am aware of the fact that I cannot do anything to help her (we literally tried everything we could to relieve the pain, nothing works or if it does something, it only works for like 30 minutes and won't work again the next time we try).
I also have a younger sister. It is apparent that she is my dad's favorite, even my mom can see that. I always believed that that didn't effect me, but I am starting to realise that it isn't the case. I am not saying that he is nice to her, but he's a lot worse with me. That is also one thing that I consider if I ever leave the house: I am scared that all of his anger will turn on her because I'll be gone.
I feel like I have a coping mechanism that tend to hide every pain I feel, to minize it in a way that it doesn't affect my everyday life. Recently, I don't know why it usually happens around October, I hear a lot of sad stories from my friends and family. There are a lot of losses, divorces, problems with money/substances/job, etc. I try my best to be available for them, I can't stand how unfair life is. A girl I knew recently died because of a rare blood condition, she was only 17... And I can see how it affects the ones that knew her. The smiles are rare among them, some of them have a blank stare while others come to school with puffy eyes and red noses...
I also deal with high levels of stress, my grades are getting lower and I think that's because I can't even concentrate anymore on what I'm doing. I know that I should go and see a specialist, but even that I can't do. I feel like I'm my own enemy, and I am disgusted by that, yet apparently I do nothing to change the situation. Because of the grades I get, I feel like I'm failing at every aspect of my life. I used to be very good at school and I got into a high demanding program, but no one prepared me to be in a class with only the "first of the class" students. I feel like I'm one of the worse there...
I don't really have time to see my friends, I get betrayed by those who I considered as friends... I developed feelings for a guy that isn't over his other relationship and we don't even live in the same country (6 hours difference). We talk everyday but our relationship is pretty complicated. I don't want to give too much details here, but that makes it in a way where I can't even talk about him to friends/family to have advices because it would be too complicated and long to explain everything.
I feel stuck where I am, I have how unfair life is. This will be the first time I'll ever say it, but suicides thoughts cross my mind from time to time. It's too much, I can't stand everything. But one thing keeps me away from making that decision: I know people that care for me, and I can't even bare the thought of them hurting after hearing such news. I give too many efforts away to make their life as best as I possibly can, killing myself would be a selfish move.
I am sorry in advance for any synthax/grammar errors, English isn't my first language but it is easier to share my feelings through this language (I know there is psychological explanations about this). Really thank you to anyone that is reading that sentence. This is my first time writing on this website and I won't lie, at first I was feeling pretty skeptical about the whole thing. I do have other problems that I didn't write about, but I feel like this is a good start. I don't know where to go from here, but I do feel like a little part of sadness/stress left me.
I hope you are having an amazing day/night.
I love you <3
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Holy cow, are we the same person? Your situation is so similar to mine it’s kinda crazy. I just wanted to let you know how brave you are and strong for having to deal with all of this and I know how hard is to fake a smile. Im the funny and always happy friend amongst the people I know and it sucks because no one ever asks me if I’m ok even though I go out of my way to ask others. But recently I let it all out and I don’t want to say life has gotten any easier because it hasn’t but I feel a bit better and like I’m in control of my emotions, and I feel like I have emotions again :) There is no shame in asking for help, it’s normal to need help, we’re only kids after all and we don’t know what to do. Even as adults it’s ok to ask for help, we’re here to help one another, and fuck, we’re on a floating rock hurling through space, even if you mess up it doesn’t matter as long as you try your best and enjoy yourself. Life is short so enjoy it as much as you can :) I love you even though I don’t know you and I’m proud of you <3
ReplyWow. Your writing is amazing for English not being your first language. Though I see your life is really difficult right now, I see you are very strong. You seem to think about others, putting them first, and leaving yourself behind. I envy that. I'm the type of person to put myself first, and it puts others in pain. I see you're going through a hard time and I would try my best to focus on school and paying for that right now. Though it would seem selfish towards your family/ friends, it will help you become financially stable once you are out of school. Though your mother is struggling with this disease, putting her in large amounts of pain, I can tell that makes her vulnerable towards your father, I know you do not want anybody to preach to you about your father, but I will try my best to give a positive opinion.
Though your relationship with him is on a rocky road -- I am struggling with that with my grandmother -- I can tell you still somehow care and love him. I wouldn't understand that, but I envy that of you as well. You seem like a smart, beautiful woman. Be strong for your sister, but don't be so string that you forget about school and your feelings.
Though I am a guest on this website and you will most likely never know who this is,
I love you, and I hope your situation becomes a happily ever ending. :) <3
ReplyFrom the time we first learned to talk we are conditioned in our thinking to be like others so that we can be an acceptable member of the group (family, classmate, friend, etc). Standards and expectations are set and we do our best to meet them. Most people fall short and are disappointed with life in general. I see a lot of that in your words.
While I'm sure you are describing your situation honestly, you are also setting the stage for things to continue in this pattern. Life brings to us the things we think about the most and all thoughts come and go. The ones that grab our attention and get an added story with an emotional reaction will be our constant companions - staying longer and returning often. It does not matter if the thought is unwanted, harmful, healthy, or exciting. They all need the energy that we provide.
The arrival of a thought does not make it legit, your creation, or automatically meaningful. You are not your thoughts. You are not the mind that has the thoughts. You are the awareness that experiencing this life using your mind to interpret the perceptions and sensations you've had and are having and to anticipate the ones you are expecting. It is a very necessary and powerful instrument that needs to be understood and managed.
You are the gatekeeper who decides which thoughts are worthy of consideration and initiating your actions. Becoming an effective gatekeeper will open up more possibilities for you to enjoy this living experience. I can say more if you think this might be helpful.
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