I'm Sorry

Hello. If you're reading this it means that I prob sent it to you right now. I am currently writing this on October 23rd, and I will prob send it to you sometime in November or December. I will prob send this to you and then run away and log out LOL. Basically, I just wanted to tell you how I feel currently. I am a little bit sad and it's okay but I just needed a way for me to get my emotions and thoughts out. Recently, I think that you prefer talking/ hanging out with other people than me and I thought you replaced me lol. I realized the main time you only hung out with me after school is when you had to stay, either for the club or for another reason. Speaking of the club, I'm sorry but I feel like I have to quit. I know it doesn't matter because you don't like that club. I know I said I would quit in November or December but I feel like I can't fake smile and show up anymore. I give up. I don't even care if I have anything for my application anymore. Anyways, basically I noticed how most days you preferred to hang out with other people. Even on the days when I would come up to you just to say hi, you would seem surprised like you didn't expect to see me those days. And honestly, I don't even like staying back for lunch most days because I was tired so I understand. The only reason I wanted to stay back is if you were staying as well. At that point I felt like I could've stayed at home for a few months and you wouldn't noticed LOL. So I want to clarify that I'm not sad that you hung out with other people on the days I was staying for lunch. Why would I be sad for that? It's just because I felt like you replaced me with your other friends. Honestly I'm fine with it, I'm just sad but it doesn't matter. I know you did it only a few times originally, but this week I noticed for pretty much everyday. The real reason I go home early is when I think you wouldn't want to stay. And from now on, I'm just going home early. I won't even come to school for a few months so it doesn't matter.

It's kind of hard to try and explain this. Like I said before I thought you just preferred talking to other people so I just felt replaced. If this is the truth, then I'm fine with it and understand. I'm just a little sad. It also made me a little sad when you would tell me you were leaving school right away but then I saw you in the main halls. I knew you prob didn't stay for the whole break. I was just sad because I realized it didn't matter if I was at school or not. Basically I just wanted to say I understand. I'm not upset that you sometimes stayed back with other people, because I didn't always want to stay back either. It just made me feel "replaced" because you would talk to others when you wanted to but for me, there had to be a specific reason like for a club or smth.

And remember the situation that happened with me, you, and another person a few weeks ago. I know at one point you said you don't like talking to that person, but after what happened a few weeks ago, I thought you would replace me with that person too. Another thing that made me sad was that I felt like you were tired of me in general. Let me explain: Remember how I told you sometimes I would message you and you wouldn't answer but I would see a couple recent photos you liked? And I think you said you didn't mean to do that. I didn't tell you this but one time when me and her talked, that person sent a screenshot of their phone to show me something the exact same moment she got a notification from you. But at that time I remember texting you about something almost an hour ago and you didn't reply. And that happened maybe twice. Even after you told me you didn't mean to, I still saw a couple of times the same thing. The reason I'm telling you this is because you told me that answering that person was draining. So when you answered other people before, I thought I was even worse than that and was draining you and I didn't mean to do that. Sometimes I needed to tell you something or wanted to talk to you, I just wouldn't. I also wanted to make a couple plans with you but then didn't. I understand why you don't always want to respond, you didn't even have to apologize about it before because I understand. Just these things that I explained made me think you were replacing me. I had no idea when or not you wanted to talk to me so most of the time I just didn't. I never told you this but I was always sad at the fact during college, we might not talk to each other. Because I know that most people stop talking to their previous school friends after highschool so I was just sad about it. I had no reason to be sad but I just was. So during high school, I thought you already replaced me even before college. Honestly, u have a lot of options of people to replace me because literally everyone is better than me haha. And, like I said before I'm fine with it, I just am sad.

BTW when I say "replaced" I mean that you found a better friend or group of friends. I remember how you said stuff like "my convos with you are the only ones I enjoy, you're my only true friend, you got me through school and quarintine, I don't have jokes like this with anyone." And it was really sweet because I said the same things about you. But I felt like that was mainly for quarantine because in person, there were only specific times where we talked at school like once a week. Honestly, I'm fine if those sentences become not true.

Also one time I remember I was telling you I might not be going to prom and I think you said "oh ok." So I thought that meant you didn't care because before we made joke plans about it. So then I thought u already replaced me with other people. Honestly, I didn't even want to go. The only reason I was planning to go is to spend time with you but I'm not sure anymore.

The reason I am not telling you my feelings now is because I don't feel like talking about my feelings right now. And I don't think you wanted to hear this right now too because it's not really important. I'm sorry I'm just sad rn and don't know what to do. That's why I'm writing my emotions on an anonymous website for now. Honestly, I wasn't even going too tell you about my feelings but right now I feel sad so I feel like I should. Like idk I just feel really sad rn but I just have to ignore my emotions by myself. I know you didn't specifically say that you didn't like talking to me. But I already explained what I meant by that and how I felt like you only hung out with me only when you had to. And I know we had a lot of fun times during quarantine, but now that everything is somewhat back to normal I just thought you might not need me as much.

I think I covered pretty much most of my feelings right now. Also I just want to say some appreciation: you mean sm to me and were the ONLY person that got me through quarantine and school. You were the only person who made me happy. And I already told you this before but I literally told my therapist that talking to you was the only thing that made me happy. And honestly you helped me A LOT more than my therapy sessions I'm not exaggerating. Idk, the point of this message is just to tell you how I feel currently and just appreciation too. Tbh I don't even care if I have 0 friends for the rest of my life. You were worth 100 friends. You made my life 1000 times better. That's just why I am sad because I wish I didn't think you were replacing me. Even if I'm #4 to you, you'll always be #1 for me LOL. Even when we are in our thirties I'll always remember you as my #1 best friend. The other people I'm friends with or talk to is mainly school classmates who have to tolerate me because they're stuck with me haha. I don't even know how you tolerated me because I'm literally so annoying LOL, people literally called me annoying since elementary school so it's a proven fact. You always made me smile and laugh that no one else can do. I mean, we are the only ones left from our group i guess so that means something.

Anyways, I think that is most of what I have to say. I hope I actually send this to you and not chicken out at the last minute. I hope you read all of this. and yea I love you and thank you <3

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