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I am in high school, good greats, a lot of friends, family that loves me even a pet hamster. I don't know how to begin or even why I am doing this.. It is just I had to get it off my chest somehow, even if this won't seem coherent. Sometimes I have thoughts that scares myself... stuff like killing random people on the street or killing myself just to see their reaction when they watch someone die, I have a big files of over 100 of these scenarios, most of them elaborated and detailed, I observe strangers and compile facts together... their schedule, address, family, interest, colleges, secrets... sometimes I can spend a week obsessively stalking a person until I find everything for reasons I can't even understand... then I would use those informations to make plans...
The first times I fully planned something like this was 10 years ago... I did it as a kind of therapy I guess..? My mother was having troubles with loan sharks secretly and they came after me and my father threatening to take my life... It didn't really matter, I didn't really feel all that much, but everyone made a fuss so I decided that it would be easier to just end it for everyone..? Though they were just plans to coop amidst the chaos that went on around me. The problem was it never stopped, I continued as a hobby, studying old cases, weapons, poisons, physics, chemistry, anything that came up during a plan. It never worried me before, I have made suicide plans before for fun and that have been quite usual nothing that worried me... but for the last 3 - 4 years it has gotten worse... the plans are becoming more elaborated and sometimes I would catch myself unconsciously preparing for them and most of time I don't even know/remember that I did something.
A few months ago, I had ropes bound tightly around my wrist for 3 hours then used a needle to break the skin just because I wanted to see how much it would change the blood flow, I have done it before, but not for such a long time, I didn't realise what I was doing until afterwards... I had small traced of blood and my hand was almost totally grey. I have a box of different pills I have been collecting for months, mostly common stuff for headache (I received quite a few of them during the test periods), I never thought I would do anything with them, but recently I found myself mixing them together with the vitamins I had in another box... The pills basically had the same colour and I usually take 5-6 of those vitamins at once... In the end I had to throw the whole jar away. Last week I woke up with a hangman's noose around my neck, I do a lot of weird stuff when I can't sleep, but it was still disturbing, especially since the floor of my room had been arranged throughout that week to test one of my plans for locked room murder to make it look like suicide, the noose was apart of it... I didn't remember why I did half of those stuff and it is driving me insane. Finally the thing that ultimate me made me write this stuff, yesterday I was alone at home and was pressing the knife against my neck, just above the air pipe, the things is I was so happy, I was giggling and laughing and everything was so perfect... When I realised what I was doing I just put the knife back and tried to sort through my thoughts, I still don't know why I did it... It was so strange... As if there are 2 of me yet none at all. I hear a lot about irrational behaviour from teenagers, is this normal? Do people my age do these stuff? I am not depressed or anything, at least I don't think so and while I don't mind dying I don't particularly have any wishes to kill myself either, I just don't understand this at all.
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