K. Halloween.

(I don't want this to disappear so I'm repeating this from my own comment so I can keep it and read it again someday)

***

You came. In three years I haven't seen or touched you. I haven't heard your voice or called you on the phone. I could hardly remember what your voice sounded like. But then, the first word after all that time in the most perfect tone, "[my name]!" as you called to me from the street.

There were so many things I wanted to tell you, so many things I felt overflowing from my mind. I wanted to tell you everything I've been holding in for five--almost six--years. As we laughed and trotted across the street toward the place we first met (just as I had hoped), I realized it was the right time to confess why we had first met. The wine-drenched haze provided the reassurance that you'd only remember the rambunctious and light hearted cliff notes of what I was trying to convey. And so, I told you. You laughed, throwing your head back in spirit, calling me a slick vixen. Through the daze of my wine, I told you that I just wanted you to know that someone out there thinks you're really great. I paid for your cover, bought you a shot, and then, we danced. You whirled me around as we laughed. As we danced, I made another confession about the time I wouldn't dance with you because I was shy. You laughed again, frustrated at the memory of my shyness because you wanted me to dance. I made up for it in that moment as I took your arms and wrapped them around my waist. I ran my fingers through your hair. I studied your exposed neck as you tilted your head back in ecstasy as you said my name. As your head settled back into its natural position, I looked at you and told you that I wouldn't dance because I didn't want your friends to notice how much I liked you. I'm not sure if you heard it or not (the music was so loud) but I said it and that's all that mattered. For the rest of the night, we danced as you wrapped your arms around me and held me against you. I threw my arms around your neck, pulling you close, hugging you with every part of my body that could wrap itself around you. My eyes begged you to kiss me. When we were close enough, I closed the gap and pressed my lips to yours. I breathed in your intoxicating, earthen scent that I had so intensely missed. I softly kissed your lips, then your neck, your cheeks, your eyes. That night, you smelled like smoked honey, which was beautifully ironic because of the ecology work you had conducted over the summer. As we kissed, my spirit bathed you in thoughts of green clovers sparkling with dew and nectar. My spirit placed you in a field of weathered bee boxes, the air heavy with the smokey scent you gave off. A colony of lazy bees encircled you, peaceful and dopey in the golden afternoon sunshine as you calmly walked among them, tasting their honeycombs and licking your lips in pleasure. This is where you were in my mind and where I so badly wanted to be. With our mouths still pressed together, my mind raced with the phrase, "I love you, I love you, I love you" hoping that you could feel what I was trying to say--the bees, the sunshine, my love for you... all of it.

We went back to my house and you must have said my name 10 times that night. As you laid next to me in the dark, I stayed awake to listen to the change in your breathing as you drifted through the various stages of sleep. My insides were fluttering with the excitement of having you next to me. How extraordinary it was to not only have you in my home but to have you sleeping next to me in bed. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep and in the morning, we talked as you prepared to leave. You tip toed back upstairs not knowing that I was already awake. As you whispered my name, I told you "good morning" and you plopped down on the bed, snuggled up with one of my pillows and explaining your flaws and why you were passing through. I touched your forehead with my palm and studied the way your hair fell on your face. Within minutes, I was giggling--at what, I'm not even sure. It was a combination of feelings, really. I started your day with sweetness. I tried to think of what it would be like waking up to you everyday. Is this what it would be like? I will never know for sure but I will treasure the memories of you in my space.

My mind secured the beautiful image of you lying in the couch and in bed. My mind secured how masculine and perfect you looked. I secured the image of you slowly putting your shoes on and how good you looked standing in my house, the colors of your clothes flawlessly matching my motif. You complimented my home, saying how beautiful it was. You told me how comfortable you were and how heavenly it was listening to the wind outside as you woke up. We hugged for the last time and then, you were gone.

The room still smelled of you when I crawled back into bed. I listened to my favorite song as I meditated on the unbelievable experience of seeing you again and having you in my home. A few hours later, you sent me a lovely text along with the sweetest song I have ever heard and I could only hope you meant to send such an aptly-worded song.

I love you, K. I will always love you when I can.

🍯