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do you know the feeling when you can never trust yourself even with the simplest and smallest things? when I was a lot younger, I was overprotected by my mom. she wouldn’t let me do normal stuff that kids my age did, like learning how to ride a bike cause then there’d a risk of me falling down, or trying to solve math problems alone until I feel like my head’s gonna explode.
I think because of that, I’m used to run away from problems and let my mom takes care of them. but because I grew up in the system, I didn’t know the system was wrong, y’know? like I didn’t know I was being spoiled, until I met a bunch of different people from different backgrounds. THEN I realized why “how do I get out from this situation?” was always the first thing that came to mind instead of “how do I deal with this situation?”. since then I’ve been trying to deal with everything by my own, I use every opportunities to show people that I can be independent without my family especially my mom, I think this is also the reason why I chose to go to college outside of the city I lived in cause I wanted to see me growing without the constant help from my mom.
but this hasn’t been easy. I still have those voices inside of my head telling me I’m just a spoiled little girl that can’t do anything right, and can’t stand up for herself and would probably cry when someone yells at her. sometimes when I’m too scared to face the reality, I blame my mom for how she treated me. although I know she’s not completely wrong, she didn’t get what she deserved as a kid, so when she has her own kids she makes sure we get everything we deserve. and I’m very grateful cause she is always there for me whenever I need her. but maybe she was too focused to give us what we wanted, she forgot about what we needed.
when I have to make my own decisions, I- sometimes I feel like I should’ve stayed with my mom. she could’ve helped me with this. like how am I supposed to trust myself? how do I know what I’m doing is right or wrong? am I gonna regret this? what if I failed? I’ve been trying so hard to make something of myself, what if I screwed this up? am I overthinking? is this anxiety or maybe I’m right about me being wrong?
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You are definitely right and it is good that you have the insight for this. Most kids who are over protected never realize this and have problems all throughout their lives where as you understand that your mother was wrong to protect you so much. Now you have to learn to solve problems yourself which isn't easy when you are older. I hope you make the right decisions with these and eventually go on to enjoy a happy problem free life. If you screw these decisions up at first you are learning by your mistakes and you should get there eventually.
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