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I've seen him.
I've seen a boy with dark fluffy hair.
I've seen a boy with a chiseled jaw and a dark brown glare.
I've seen a boy who has a flat chest and wonky upright smile.
I've seen a boy…
I've seen him.
I see him…
I see him in my mind.
I search for him in the mirror.
I search for him when I talk to all those girls.
I search for him when I hold her hand.
I search for him when I talk to that group of guys.
I search for him…
I search for him when I put on that fragrant deodorant, wishing it were more masculine smelling.
I search for him when washing my hair with the smell of flowers and fruits instead of with lemon sage or fresh clean cut.
I search for him when I am pressured to shave my legs and armpits.
I search for him each time I slip on that oh so dreadful bra.
I search for him…
They blame his existence on TikTok,
But he was always there.
He’s always linked behind each game of house.
Each play pretend game.
Each video game character.
Each role play character.
Each haircut.
Each time I go out.
He’s always been there…
When I look into the mirror I search for him…
For he is me.
But I am not him.
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