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I just hate the way I am. Something is really wrong with me. I make people worry and i don't really want the attention but at the same time I do because I never really got affection as a child. He has been really helpful but I can tell that he's getting tired of me. I don't know how I'm gonna do when he leaves me, I know he's gonna leave me. It's no doubt, and for the first time I cut myself without telling him. Because I don't wanna hurt him. I hate myself so much, of course I have some good days, but at the end of the day the feeling I feel inside me in unbearable. And I know once he's gone it'll be worse, to the point where I won't wanna live anymore. Everyone else around me doesn't even notice, my own mother hasn't noticed although I don't live with her. I'd still like her to show she cares. She asked me for 200 dollars and I was gonna give it to her, but I don't get paid in enough time. I feel like she's gonna be upset. I'm on ft with him as I'm writing this, he's in a really bad mood, and I feel like it's my fault but I don't like to push because I know it makes him upset. I just want someone to love me the way I love them. I feel emotionless now, ever emotion I felt is gone except anger, I have so much anger built up inside me from like multiple different things, including my dad and all my other sexual abusers. I just wanna talk about it but I hate feeling like a burden, and I don't like talking to my therapist about it because I don't like feeling like I need professional help, if that makes sense. I want him to want me, but I don't like to say it often because he always tells me I'm wrong when I say I feel like he doesn't actually like me. I wanna kill myself, but I'm scared, not only for others but also for myself, where will I go after I die? Will I be stuck in a dark hole? is there a heaven? Also I feel like He still is in love with his ex, I know I'll never compare to her, she was probably beautiful, I just hope the pain of him hurting me is quick and not long. But he's literally the only person I talk to. I don't know anymore. I wanna help him and make him feel better but how can I make him feel better when I don't even feel good myself? I just wanna die, then everyone will have an easier life, all I do is bother people and mess up there life's and talk about the stupid reasons I'm sad. I wanna disappear and never come back.
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Your therapist is here for you to talk to about these things. Seeing a therapist is getting professional help so you are doing this anyway and by not talking to this person you are putting yourself in a bad position. So you are best to start talking to your therapist if you want any help at all.
ReplyYour reasons for being sad are not stupid at all. Continue to see your therapist and tell them everything that you said here. Therapists only want to help you. Don’t feel bad about having a therapist, even therapists sometimes have therapists. If there are people who care about you and how you’re feeling, confide in them. Don’t be ashamed about how you’re feeling at all. You did not deserve the sexual abuse you endured but you do deserve unconditional love and respect. You are so strong for making it this far! Keep going!
Replythank uu so much this made me smile!!
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