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I really hate everything about myself - my character, my habits, my results, my way of interacting with other people, my mindset... The only thing that I can tolerate, funnily enough, is my face, which is ironic because I used to hate my face and like almost everything else about myself, not that it matters at all in the context of this. If I feel like I need to fix everything internal about myself, where do I even begin? I've got exams this week and because of my mistake of stupid laziness, of which I've already felt the consequences in the past, has been stupidly repeated. I know it's my fault. But where do I break this circuit? I know I'm capable - I've fallen from getting full marks or at least the top of the class almost every time since primary school to being on track to BBB for A levels. Academics are the only thing I excel at and yet now I'm failing myself - it's been a year of lost momentum, and I know it might not seem like the worst thing in the world, but it's not merely the drop of grades. The drop of grades signify my broken mindset, my lack of discipline, my slack, my lack of determination... I feel bursts of motivation, when I drive myself the hardest that I've ever worked, but it's never consistent. I get burned out. And I don't want to touch a single book after that. They always come only at the last minute. I've tried to reinvent myself since I was 13, but at least back then I was actually in a somewhat good starting point. Ironically, since my "self-help" journey began, I've only amassed bad habits like overthinking to the point of nihilism. My parents, and rightfully so, are tired of me fluctuating in mood so temperamentally. I implore for pragmatic advice. Be harsh, give me a reality check. Don't tell me to seek motivation; I've tried that since 13. It never lasts. I just want to be confident in myself again.
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Well, for some context… some very high achievers have low self esteem. They can still feel a failure and look at the tiny thing they didn’t get right (and it’s always there, if you’re perfectionist enough. I would recommend meditation if you are overthinking, and other ways of finding peace in yourself. With regard to your achievement, set realistic goals. If you are apathetic/nihilistic you may be depressed and this will affect your ability to be motivated. Beating yourself up isn’t going to help you achieve better so you’re giving yourself if you begin with acceptance and work with yourself where you are at, not comparing yourself to a version of yourself from the past. Think of things that do motivate you as incentives perhaps. You only live this life once. Be kind to yourself (don’t talk negatively to yourself). Practice gratitude for what you do have, what you can achieve, and work with that.
ReplyI really really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me. I've noted it all down in my diary, and I will try my best to follow it. Have a good day! I can't thank you enough.
ReplyThis page didn't get that many views in an hour. That's a self engineered attempt of making it on most viewed 🙄
ReplyI didn’t realise that this site counted views. I have been checking it pretty frequently tbh.
ReplyPart of me thinks that you are not in synch with your inner self. By reading this I got a strong sense that you are ignoring your actual needs over academic performance. I am disheartened to see that you feel useless because your grades has been not satisfactory. Also sad to see you are mad at yourself and mention that its your fault. Its like you hate yourself because you cant get wanting grades.
I believe you consider academic performance as your identity. It is your worth. It is your value. Therefore when your grades drop, you have strong sense of self hatred and feel like alot of it is your fault and that it is caused by the quality of current you and therefore you think “something is wrong with me.” I know right now, you feel useless or worthless. I know you feel like you are nothing because you felt like academic performance was one thing you were sure about that expresses who you are. But here is the truth: Academic performance is not a personality.
I think, you got a wrong approach about school. It is not suppose to be taken personally. It is not you. It has nothing to do with you. I get it, you are exposed to it everyday. You are very familiar with it. But here is a thing. Being successful in school, you need a whole different mindset. School is a distraction. It is not your life. It is a side thing. Purpose is not to prove your worth.
Purpose of school is to pass. Pass what? Ability to notice a pattern and remember what you noticed. Thats it. Even then, you are not suppose to read everything word for word. What do you know now about school? Exams are worth tons of points- there are tons of homework but little points? Then you think, okay exams are very important. You do homework. Does homework come up in a exam? No? Then homework is not important at all. Does this mean you dont do them? No, you still do them because it is required but do you put effort? No, you dont. Find answers and fill it in. Then turn it in. Focus where does exam question comes out from. And focus there. I know school brainwashes you to be a “perfect student” but thats waste of time, effort, energy. Do whats needed, dont be perfectionist.
Also. You said about overthinking. Imo, overthinking happens due to lack of self awareness. Im guessing you dont know much about yourself. There isnt seem to be a concrete standard that you have set yourself besides academic performance. Because you dont have a concrete standard, you want to be prepared for everything but dont know how. It is partly OCD because you are afraid that something bad will happen if you arent prepared or choose right choice.
For fluctuating mood, it means you arent satisfied. You are under a stress because you have something in mind that you feel desperate to achieve but isnt working out and dont know what to do. My advice? Find something that makes you happy outside school. School has no personality. It doesnt hold value of who you really are. My hint is, try to find something that makes you active. Not because you have to but because you cant stop doing it. I hope this helped even little bit.
ReplyThank you so much. This was actually a very insightful comment to me, especially about the viewpoint towards school.
ReplyYou're not alone. I'm also in the same position as you. It may not be exactly as it is but I've felt and still feel that at times. Everyday try to say something good about yourself even 1/2 or more if you'd like then write it and put it somewhere that you can see everyday. You can also write inspiring and self soothing quotes, poems etc. Do this if you'd like. It will remind you to love yourself.
ReplyThank you. I am trying that right now, now that you've said it. :) I appreciate it a lot.
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