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Who am I? This is the question I keep asking myself, as if somehow the answer will just come to me. I’m tired. Mom’s have so much responsibility on their shoulders. It’s not fair. Having my kids was one of the best days of my life but also my saddest. It was the best because it made me feel accomplished at what I had made and brought into this world. A brand-new human, perfect in every way. It was also my saddest moment simply on the basis that I knew who I was leading up to that moment was about to be forgotten almost entirely. And she was.
I am lost but also found. Happy but also sad. Optimistic but also fearful. How can I show my kids how to be an individual when I, myself, am not? At least I don’t feel like one now. I have my days. Today is one of those days. You know exactly the days I am referring to. The days where you don’t want to get out of bed. You want to lay there in the silence and be with your thoughts; trying to remember who you used to be. But you can’t.
You can’t. You can’t because you have tiny humans running around screaming. “Mommy I want this, and I need that.” “Mommy I’m hungry.” “Mommy I’m bored.” “Mommy wipe my butt I’m done pooping.” “Mommy can I have this?” “Mommy can I have that?” You know, it goes on and on and on for what seems like eternity. That’s the day I am having. These days just seem to happen more and more frequently, and it sucks.
What sucks even more then having “days” like this is the guilt that comes with it. Guilt because we tell ourselves women aren’t supposed to feel this way towards our families. So, we shame ourselves into submission. I feel like I give and give and give little pieces of myself to my kids and husband daily with so little in return. Of course, I get love back; no one is denying that but something else is missing. I can’t put my finger on it but the emptiness inside grows with every passing hour.
Defeated. One word to sum up how I feel. Life has kicked my ass. I feel guilty for even typing this. To say the words aloud would be like confessing to a heinous crime for which I’m about to be hanged for. To say the words aloud would feel like sharpening the knife that’s about to slit my throat.
Silence is what I crave. Silence is what I need. One day to just be. Me. That’s all I need. That’s all I want. That will fix me. Won’t it? I’ll never know. I’m scared to even tell my husband that the only thing I want is one day to myself. With out anyone around me. With out our kids, with out him. Just me. By myself with my thoughts in a dark and quite room where I can sleep as much as I want and wake by myself for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.
This fantasy of mine will never happen. I will never gain the courage to tell those in my life what it is that I truly need and desire. I don’t live for myself anymore. I live for them. I am a coward. I am selfish. I am……. a worn-out mamma.
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ReplyHey dear just a little suggestion
Whenever my mom feels like this she goes for a little vacation
I hope it would help you too
My mother also goes for shopping to spend her me time
You can also ask your kids and husband to help you
You are a great mom and god has bless u with this opportunity to be a mom
Being a mom is a really hardworking job and that too wirhout payments that why only chosen one do this duty with utmost respect just like you!
You are great just need a little refreshment
ReplyYou are not wrong for these thoughts. You are not alone in these thoughts. Having these thoughts does not make you a bad mom or a bad wife. Having these thoughts does not make you selfish. Having these thoughts makes you HUMAN. You are allowed to need time for yourself, in fact, it would probably be good for your marriage and your kids if you did take time for yourself. Let yourself recharge! I have a friend that's a young mom and the thing I try my best to do every time I go see her is to remind her that in my mind she is my friend first, and a mom second. No I'm not expecting her to drop her family responsibilities to come hang out with me, I know that's unrealistic, but I do my best to talk to her in the same way that I have. I ask about her. I ask how she's doing. I ask what she's struggling with. Of course I don't leave her kids out entirely but I try to wait until she brings them up, in case she just wants to talk about herself for a while. You are allowed to be your own person. You are allowed to need your own time. I agree with the comment that taking a vacation would be a good idea- even if it's just a weekend or even a day. Plan a trip with your husband. Plan a trip with your girlfriends. Plan a trip for just yourself. You don't have to go far. You don't have to spend a lot of money. You don't have to do a whole lot. Rent a hotel room and take along a hobby you like to do. Something. It's okay. It doesn't make you a bad mom. Leaving your kids with a babysitter once in a while is not bad for them and not selfish of you. Find what it is you need to do to recharge and do it. When you come back feeling refreshed it will make you an even better mom. It will actually be a good thing for your kids in the long run.
Replyi don't know if you believe in the Christian God, but according to the Bible, on the seventh day of creating the universe, God needed a day of rest. and God didnt do anything except say some words! you, on the other hand, do a whole heck of a lot more than just saying some words.
do what God does. take your day of rest.
rested mommas are better mommas anyways.
Reply