Does anyone really care about me...?

I'm not sure if this is my stress or anxiety talking, but I'm seriously debating whether anyone really cares about me.From the moment I showed merit in school, high expectations were forced upon me. My mom and dad would never admit to that, but once you achieve a standard above the normal, it becomes the new expectation. If the normal is Bs and you get As consistently, you're now expected to be an A student always. Any deviation from this new expectation leads to disappointment and that look. The look that makes you think your worth as a person has decreased with this sudden change from your "normal." The look that says that we wanted more from you, but you weren't able to give it. Your all wasn't enough.

I don't think that giving your all means doing your absolute best that you've ever done. I think that giving your all means doing the best you can within that given moment. How can a man with broken legs be expected to sprint as he used to? But that's now how you look at it. You view my best as the pinnacle of my achievements. Peaks have uphills and downhills, but there are no peaks allowed in my life; everything should always be at a constant incline. Should I trip on my way to the top, you're there to place a hand on my back only to push me aside should I stumble farther again.

Familial love is expected to be unconditional. Yet ours seems to me to be a policy ridden with terms and conditions. A major mistake means that I'm dropped within a second. Why is it that you want to abandon me after my failures?

Perhaps this is why no one I care about has stuck around for long... As soon as I show a deviation from my "normal", I'm cast aside. Again and again. With Malachi and Nicole, Kyla and Luis. Those I thought were closest to me ended up tripping me and walking over my body more times than I can count. If I can't give people what they want, they have no need for me. If I'm not the cheerful Jitter, the talkative Jitter, the Jitter that helps you when you're sad and listens to you when you're hurt, then I'm not your Jitter. If I'm not the successful, friendly, outgoing girl you thought I was, that I try to be, I'm thrown away. Who would want the broken, insecure, anxious, sad, reserved, failure Jitter anyways? I don't even want that Jitter. That Jitter doesn't belong in this world. Every time that Jitter shows her face, people shove her aside and move onto the next bubbly girl they can find. Should I show reservation towards intimate acts, I'm tossed away like a crumpled piece of paper. Should I show a lack of academic achievement, I'm no longer supported by the hands and arms that used to hold me up with a comforting smile and warm hug. No one wants to hear about a girl with problems. Everyone wants to have her hear their own problems.

Whether it be my parents, friends, or potential love interests, who would want the broken girl that I am? No one. No one. No one. So I keep a smile on my face, help friends meet their own lovers, listen to problems and give advice, and give warm hugs without any in return. It's been so long since I've received a warm, comforting hug... I don't remember what it's like anymore.

Does anyone truly care about me? Does anyone really want to help me pick up my pieces? Does anyone really want me...? ...Do I even want me?