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Love. True love. Genuine love. Make-my-heartbeat-stop love. "Have you had breakfast yet?" love. Dance-in-the-rain love. What else?
You see all these beautiful stories in movies and you somehow wish they were true, that they did happen in real life. Love is now so romanticized--in movies, in books, in music, in TV, even in our mindsets. So romanticized that we expect these big things and signs to happen when we meet someone. It's like we are waiting for something to happen and we pass up everything just to find "the perfect one". There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want. The issue is just these impossible standards. I don't know about other people, this is just an observation about myself. You should have known what my notion of "the perfect guy" is when I was in high school:
1. Plays guitar.
2. Name is John.
3. In the military.
4. Older than me by at least three years.
5. A Christian like me.
You can see how impossible it is to find someone who would fall under all those requirements. Well, somehow I got more cynical over the years. I like to blame books for making me a hopeless romantic. :P
I forget that I too have so much flaws. I was so busy idealizing this "Mister Right" for me that I actually forgot that I have to fix myself, too. I have to be the right woman, too. Stupid as it may seem I actually forget that men too have their "requirements" in a girl. I was too self-entitled.
Somehow along the line I just decided to stop myself from being this helpless hopeless romantic girl who feels a tug in her heart every time she reads a romantic book or just bawling because of a rom-com movie with her girlfriends. Somehow, I transformed to this woman who became such a doubter. Is there really such a thing as true love? Is there really someone out there? Are we just using each other? More of these endless streams of crazy thoughts plagued me. Am I waiting on nothing? Am I going crazy just hoping on something so impossible? At the end of the day, they were all unanswered. I became this person that became so cynical about love. When I opened a book and it told of how a boy meets girl and how they immediately become perfect for each other--she is beautiful to his eyes, perfect; he is handsome in her eyes. Does that really happen in real life? Is it just THAT easy? I abhored the sight of couples walking side by side in the streets, hands held together. You'll end soon. I will always think of that when I see a couple. I started hating chick flicks. Surely a boy cannot resist falling in love with a girl THAT pretty. Bitterness engulfed me.
I refused that love IS indeed real. I refused to acknowledge the fact that it happens. It's surreal how from being a hopeless romantic I became this massive bag of doubt. Issues on self-confidence didn't help, too.
I remember crying myself to sleep after watching Message in a Bottle. Over and over I asked the quiet stillness in my bedroom: What if I never meet him?
What's life like knowing that you'll never meet the love of your life? What's life going to be without the hope of growing old with another?
I guess only time can tell.
Pardon the scattered thoughts of a woman who is yet to fall in love.
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I fell in love with a man 18 years younger than me. Met him when I was 36 and he had just turned 18. We happened to work together one day at my part time job. We just clicked. I tried to hide any feelings for him out of respect for myself and my job.
He found me at my other job and asked me out. I tried to talk him out of it and told him if he wanted to go for a walk and just talk, thinking he wouldn't care for me once he knew me. We walked 3 miles and talked about life. We ended up seeing a movie together that night as friends. I wore a man's tee shirt and long shorts. I didn't flirt or try to seduce him. We saw DedpicableMe2.
He ran to his car to get his jacket for me when my legs got cold. We didn't hold hands, no fooling around.
He drove me back to my car and I wished him a happy birthday and asked if I could give him a hug. He squeezed me and I didn't want to let go. He pulled away just to whisper if he could kiss me.
I said yes because I did not want to say no.
I fell in love that summer. I am a Christian. I didn't have sex with him because I want to wait for my husband. But honestly I wish he had considered me or would consider me down the road. He's the only guy ever felt that way about, he felt like my equal.
Prior to him I'd had random dates with potheads and alcoholics and godless assholes in general.
I was engaged to a man 9 years older than me for 7 years in my twenties. He cheated on me. I broke off the engagement. I never felt attracted to him at the end because I couldn't trust him with my heart.
I haven't dated anybody after the guy I loved. My standards were already high and now they're concrete. I'll wait for the best, and if he doesn't show up, then I'll choose to die alone.My point is, there is no deadline on your timeline as far as love goes. It would have been nice if the first guy hadn't had wasted 7 years of my life, taking me to church and making people think by all appearances that he was a good guy. In the end he wasn't going good enough for me.
And I let the other one go because I loved him so much that I knew he deserved his freedom.
And he's always welcome to come and find me again unless God has someone better in mind.
Good luck, and trust yourself.
JAK
ReplyIt's surreal how we stress ourselves over these trivial things yet we know full well that God is in control. He will never fail us, and somehow that isn't enough assurance for us.
Yes, I do understand that I am entitled for all my standards in guys. But, I got to also start compromising.
Thanks for the kind words. :)
Reply