Trapped. Chaos.

Trapped - homely

Happy - lonely

How can I be all these things at once?

Overwhelmed with joy

Shackled in fury.

Clung to -

No breath

Or hope of step back.

.

Ecstatic

Cracking jokes

Feeling secure

No -insecure,

Uncomfortable around ‘friends’.

What is happening?

I’m content

At peace in home.

I‘m tense

Constantly on edge

For the anticipated

Fall.

.

A tale of two lives.

I feel it all.

Block half out

Ignore the emptiness

Feel the encompassing light

Wait. - turn to the dark

It calls my name.

Fester in the insanity

Of rotten dreams.

Ah.

Mind split in two,

Heart, body, soul

Feel every moment.

.

No decision.

Stay as I am,

Remain pulled by two halves

It’s easier this way.

Split

- Struck in two

Feel both sides.

Do it Alone.

-

-

-

This is chaotic and makes no sense because that is my brain right now. I’ve just got kittens and they have brought life into me again, the past two days I have felt happier than I have for months- and some moments after. I know I have good times recently but equally, I’ve just felt, and still feel, this type of all encompassing sense of dread and loneliness. In some moments I feel so truly and deeply alone but can be with or talking to my friends. In some moments I can be so unbelievably happy while being actually alone. It’s all just madness and chaos. I feel trapped. That’s what I feel. As though I’m being strangled by the people around me who I contort myself to please. I hate disappointing people so much that I hurt myself to fit perfectly in their image of how I should be, how I should act. And when I falter from their predesigned blueprint I have the shame to feel guilty and blame myself. Criticise myself for not remaining in the place they told me to be. I have gone off on a tangent but that’s how I feel. Confused and split and lonely and not alone and sad and happy and everything all at once.