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Dear favorite best friend,
You will never see this. But you are the greatest friend that I have had in a very long while. You bring me out of my little shy shell because you are not afraid to do anything or wear anything. I flipping love you for that, and the way you force crop tops on me. Yeah, i am insecure but i still love that you push me the way you do. I also feel so judge free around you. I love you to the moon and back.
But i am so sorry for what i have done. You do not know what i have done and i don't think you ever will. But, your boyfriend kissed me two weeks after you guys took a "break". I thought we were just friends and then all of a sudden he just kissed me. I immediately told him we couldn't because of you and girl code. But it is the fact that i still think about breaking girl code is what bothers me the most. I hate myself and i truly am a terrible friend. Yeah i didn't kiss him, he kissed me, but i still hung out with him alone in his room. And i shouldn't have, because had i not hung out with him alone that kiss would have never happened, the feelings i have for him would have never rose above the surface. And i would not be carrying around this god awful guilt i have. But i can't get myself to tell you what happened because i know you, and i know you will flip your shit and maybe even attempt to fight me because that's just who you are. There would be no "understanding" from my point of view. In your eyes it will just be "my best friend and boyfriend kissed", Which i completely understand, it is indeed exactly how i would react as well. But I will say this, he makes me so happy and it actually aches i can't be with him because of you. See you never knew i liked him before you did because we had lost touch, so it sucks you never knew that, because i know if you had known that, you would have never dated him in the first place. But now everything is ruined. I am stuck between choosing you or him. I know it is supposed to be bros before hoes but he isn't a hoe, he is my true joy. And it hurts me to know i may leave you for him. Aren't i absolutely shitty? I don't understand my own self. I cannot believe i would chose a boy over my own best friend. I use to watch movies where they betray their best friends and i thought "wow, what a bitch". But now i am the bitch, but i actually understand their point of views now. They are thinking of their own happiness over yours. Which is completely selfish in a way, but when someone brings you THAT much joy that you never knew a person could? I am not sure if it really is selfish after all. I want you to know that boy is my best friend and i have distanced myself from him quite a bit for you but i don't know how many nights i can continue to cry because i can't be with him or because of the guilt i hold. So for future references, i truly am sorry for being such a terrible person. I don't know what the future has in stored but if it has me and him in it together. I am so very sorry and i do love you so much.
sincerely,
your worst friend but you just don't know it yet.
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