i am so tired

i wish i could find that cute, smiley little girl i use to be. i mostly miss the joy she carried. it all left. i am now so exhausted by everything. even getting out of bed is a chore now. why? what happened to the little girl? she found joy in everything, she lit up a room. now, everyone asks if she is okay or if something is wrong. and i never know how to answer because everything is wrong but i can't ask for help. i can't have others worried for me. that would mean i am a burden. when in reality i want to tell my mom how i dread life and doing absolutely anything. i ache for help. but i have this weird thing that i can't talk about my emotions without bursting into tears and no one ever sees me cry. i hate showing emotion in front of people for some reason. so therefore i can't ask for help, or i will cry and i don't cry in front of people. it is also the reason i don't rant to a single soul as much as i would like to. my school counselor would always get irritated with me and worry about me because i would never talk to her like the other students would. she use to call me a "locked book" that she ached to open one day. she never did, no one does. the book stays locked and i wish it didn't if i am being honest. especially sense it irritates everyone in my life, my friends, my family, any significant other. i am not open emotionally and it puts a giant hole in relationships. no one understands that i will breakdown if i talk to them. it is also why i refuse a therapist. i don't know why i am like this, normally girls talk about their emotions, why can't i? why am i broken?