Curiosity on DID

I never had it, but I'm curious,

since I did "have" something similar as a cope mechanism. But I found a good therapist on time, so I guess it didn't get worse.

A bit of my past story:

When the trigger happened, I changed my clothes style, my make up, my mood, my hair color, my way of talking, but there was still my "me" inside.

I even put her a name. She was the badass and I could rest on her because she was the one that resisted people's bullshit. Me? I was just too exhausted to even get up.

Anyways. I never had DID, but I think I did build it or "use" it somehow. Megan was not the only personality, others came, but we can call them "aspects of myself", although they didn't consider themselves as me. There was a kid too. A little girl that I guess it was my lost inner child or something.

And me, myself, I was a coward frighten kitten always shutting my mouth and doing nothing to defend myself.

Megan was my anger and sadness, I guessed.

The little one was the innocent lonely girl always claiming me about forgotten stuff we liked to to.

There were more before and after but I can't remember right now. I'm too focused on the present moment, and besides, I worked in therapy to integrate my parts (although there was no DID, they still felt as broken pieces).

Curious thing... I still can't call myself by my name. I feel like my name carries misfortunes for me. Besides, that girl, the girl who carry that name, I really don't like her. I am trying though.

So I call new self Olivia. And I was OK... until I start to wonder, what is right for me to do? On papers I still have to use my legal name and you can't change it here... I even resent my last name. I blame my name for all the misfortunes I lived. Because even in February of this year (2021) something happened, right after I start to use it again... so I stopped using it. Again.

I am totally aware of the stupidity of what I just said. But by using a new name for new people I felt like I had my own world where my blood family was not part, where they didn't know my sad past and all that shit and I could have another opportunity to present myself as a happy person (somehow). I did it that way... but now I want to Xxxx have that too (the me inside with the original name)... would that be possible, for her to finally have a happy ending EVEN after misfortunes or unfair things happen to her?

Because my therapy goes well, the intelectual and logical answer would be yes... but for that

I NEED TO BE BRAVE