I Did A Hard Thing

I did a hard thing

I said goodbye

It’s a bad idea. When you have made up your mind to leave and go through your checklist, close out obligations and systematically end relationships and ties that connect you.

So many people and things are easy to shut out.

Saying goodbye is hard. It’s better if you don’t say it out loud. I’ve been preparing silent goodbyes for years - making sure the ones I love the most will be ok.

But this one. I didn’t prepare for this one.

Why is this one so hard? Why am I so frustratingly torn?

This one is special.

And it hurts

I didn’t properly prepare this one. I couldn’t even prepare myself! FUCK!

Week after week I get that derailing maybe. I know it will be there yet I do little to avoid it. Fuck sometimes I run to it! Its so frustrating.

Maybe I will find another way out. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I need to adjust my plan or make a different one entirely. Maybe I can be stronger. Maybe you are right. Maybe I’m not ready.

Maybe I should stay just a little longer.

Maybe…ugh! It’s so confounding!

If I truly believed staying longer was a good idea I would be working toward that. I can’t pretend forever. I need to not be me anymore.

I show up anyway.

Why don’t I just walk away? I know the longer I wait the harder it will be say goodbye.

I don’t want to stay longer. I won’t make it. I don’t want to be here yet here I am.

Pretending.

Planning.

.

.

.

What I should have said was nothing.

What I should have given was an explanation ….

You want me to:

-Take care of myself

-Make better choices

-Keep myself safe

-Do better

You want me stay and it hurts

I can’t stay and it hurts

I know how to take care of myself but I don’t know how to care about myself.

I know how to be what people want me to be but that isn’t me.

I don’t know what or who I am alone. I try to imagine but I can’t get past the hurt.

I’m tired of pretending and I don’t want to be here anymore.

You don’t know why I don’t love me.

You don’t understand why I don’t deserve to be here.

I can’t stay

And it hurts

I can’t expect you to continue keeping me alive.

I can’t do it the way you want me to.

I can’t pretend to be a person anymore.

I should have told you all the things but I couldn’t

I can’t explain all the broken pieces inside I can’t share them; they are sharp and hurt more when I rearrange them. You matter to me-what if they hurt you too? It breaks me to feel this way.

Yesterday, I did a hard thing.

I said goodbye.

Out loud.

And it hurt.

What I wanted to say but couldn’t was thank you and sorry.

Thank you for hearing me.

Sorry for letting you in.

Thank you for being kind.

Sorry I can’t do what you want for me.

you for putting up with me.

Sorry I leaned so hard on you.

Thank you for keeping me alive another year…literally… so many times.

Sorry I can’t pretend any longer.

Thank you for being You.

Yesterday, I said none of those things and I am heartbroken and I know it was the last time I will feel safe.

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