It time for me. To express my troubles in life.

First of all, I am surprised I made it to my early thirties. I was thinking about self-harm in my middle school years. It was my mother, stepfather, and mother's side of the family. Who made me feel worthless. Second, I developed a drinking and porn addiction. Once my stepfather introduced it by accident and ill-responsibility. Third, my mother and mother's side of the family failed to protect me from my stepfather's abuse. This is the reason why I never visited them or made excuses not to come to visit. Fourth, as I get older in life. The more dark secrets come out from the family.

Another reason, I don't marry or date within my kind (Race). It just repeats the cycle. I am sorry to women who were of my style. I have a trust issue, and I am scared to repeat the process. Fifth, I was never an alcoholic.

To begin with, I started drinking alcohol in my sophomore year of high school. Once my mom and stepfather think I am a terrible person. Sixth, it was my negative experience with women within my kind from middle school to the present time that I have no interest or starting a family. Seven, no matter how I tried or improved in life. I never impressed my family or future wife or girlfriend. I feel that I have no value or appreciation. Last, I hope there is a change in the future or something as I am drinking and hopefully my last before the New Year starts. I was venting and releasing before fresh again.