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There’s one thing I often look back to. When I was 24-25 yo I used to go to 3d classes and one of my teachers was about maybe 4 years older than me. In a class of 6 students I was the most passionate and talented with no artistic background. I’m 168cm and my weight is 83kg. To my families eyes I’m fat and I have never been able to count myself attractive because of it. So after 6 years, I’m looking back to those days, when I thought my teacher might have been attracted to me. With the kind of mind set I have, I haven’t had a life filled with romance or dates and I nearly never put myself into a position to get asked out. I guess every guy close to me might think I reject them, but all I’m doing is trying to not to look too eager or attract the wrong attention and end up handling the situation awfully. Anyways, I’m saying all this because later I found out via Instagram that my teacher’s married a girl as fat as me and has left the country with her. He was thin and fit and had long artistic hair, looked cool and had a dressing style. I, on the other hand, was fat and didn’t use makeup and was simple and didn’t dress well either. So I thought I wasn’t worthy. So when he got married to a girl as fat as me… I don’t know. Now he’s a “what if” for me. I don’t even know if he was really attracted to me or I have made something up in my mind. I just remember I picked up on that he used to come really close when he was next to me to check my work. No one ever did and we’re Muslims and we don’t get close to each other. Now I can’t find anyone. And sometimes think back to my previous relationships and encounters. Or see him on Instagram and think how we’ve grown apart that if he was attracted to me, we’ve grown apart, geographically, carrier wise.
I keep thinking for a good relationship you’ve got to have a great job, be successful. I look everywhere and people date like they’re applying for nasa! You’ve got to be accomplished and have a great resume! And with taking care of family and being alone I am crushed and just want to find someone great. I don’t think about marriage, but just someone like minded. I read a lot of books. Fun books. And it’s who I am, and I want to be able to talk to someone about it. I feel like a weirdo, but I just have different tastes. I watch lots of movies, listen to lots of music, and can’t find someone to share those with no matter how hard I’m trying. Not even on social media. I feel like maybe there’s something repellent about me. Am I sending out a bad vibe? Sometimes I send a post here and no one would even leave a comment. Wouldn’t you feel left out? I talk to my family and it’s like I’m speaking an other language. Am I so incoherent? I often think what I need out of relationship? Someone to complain to? Or talk their ears off? No. I just want to open a new road in my life. The one that I choose to walk with… in the movie “shall we dance” Susan Sarandon says in a marriage you vow to be a witness to someone’s life. I think that’s beautiful. But I already have witnesses. But they’re all awful. These witnesses are judgmental and cruel most of the time. I just want to set myself free and share my journey with someone kind. I wouldn’t leave my family. But I’ve got to do something about myself or I don’t think I’ll make it to 40. I’m 31 and I feel like I’m 60. I feel so tired. So old. I feel caged. Beaten down. And I have no way out of the cage..
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there’s nothing wrong with being different.
Change things up, make new food, decorate differently, try new styles whether it’s art or books or fashion.. take road trips, explore..
Stop looking at what you don’t have, and realize what you DO have. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming.. but your teacher has moved on and is starting his own family. Maybe he was attracted to you!
There’s nothing wrong with being bigger, or no makeup.. you are beautiful as how you are.
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