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7 months ago · · Depression,
I really feel like I have to cry but the tears never come. I went these past few years believing I was trying my best. Maybe this is my best. For a while I made myself proud. Now I just feel worse than ever. I have had depression for nearly a decade. I only blame myself. Really when it comes down to it, had I not made the same choices over and over again, knowing I'd end up just feeling guilty, I probably would've have been much better off right now. I literally feel no emotions besides sadness and anger. I'm sad about the way I turned out. The way my life turned out. I'm angry at myself for not being the man I know I should be. I look in the mirror and am embarrassed by myself. Not because I appear ugly on the outside. Because my insides are completely tainted and stained with so much sin. I don't even go to church. I don't even know what I believe in. I still have my own set of morals. I have broken them again and again. Knowing I would feel immense disappointment and guilt shortly after. I have absolute zero hope. I really don't get out of my house much. When I do, it's like I'm in my own world, and in my mind there is no chance for me at companionship. I tell myself until I fix myself on the inside, I am not ready or worthy. My mind just says, your broken, you don't have a chance. I'm not making excuses, but I will admit, having zero friends for over 8 or so years now has really taken a toll on my mental health. I'm still at fault for my situation. I have so much drive inside me, so much potential. I even know this. For some reason, I just feel stuck. I feel like nothing will ever change. I will die feeling these negative emotions. It's all I've known for so many years. I have tried medication and therapy and counseling to no avail. I do not know what to do. I want to feel alive again. I'm not living life. I'm merely existing. In my head I think to myself every night, "why have you continued to do this to yourself?" "How did things end up this way?" "Why did you let this happen?" "Why didn't you do this?" Why did I do that?" On top of all my other problems, I have an insane amount of regrets. Opportunities I let slide by. I still let some go by, simply because I don't feel like I'm ready to face them. I only hope I can finally change and be the person Ill be proud to be. I hope anyone who takes the time to read this knows that I have been in such a dark place. A place where a simple decircould have ended my life. I really didn't want to live anymore. Sometimes I still don't. The thought of just not having to worry about anything anymore sounded intriguing. However what if I meet the love of my life tomorrow? Will I? Probably not. You won't know if you give up now. That's the only thought that keeps me going. I hope it does for you too.I also hope somewhere in the darkness you find even the tiniest shred of light.