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As I sit here after yoga, basking in the winter sunshine pouring through my front window, I look around my somewhat empty living room. Christmas has been taken down. I look at the empty corner where the tree stood and the empty walls that had lights and wreaths and stars hung. So many people report feeling sad to do it. But there's some part in me that always feels a kind of peace and cleansing in clearing it away. Like I'm peeling away the last year and allowing something new to enter.
I honestly wasn't feeling particularly hopeful about this next year. Covid has made my job a nightmare and I see no end in sight. I turn 40 in a few weeks. I feel alone and usually its not in a healthy way. I am struggling. I had planned on ringing in the new year alone on my couch, and instead a friend whose previous plans fell through came over. I was a last resort for him but there I was, ok with being alone for once, but feeling bad about not inviting someone over who didn't actually want to hang out with me until he had nothing else to do. I should be proud of myself for being a kind human. But it just made me sad. For so many reasons, this man has hurt my pride and self confidence and I don't know why. I have never let anyone make me feel this way. He left in the early morning, without saying goodbye...never hugging me or kissing me at midnight or showing any interest in that at all...guess he wasn't drunk enough since that seems to be the only time he wants anything to do with me. And those are the extremes- either he makes me feel unwanted and undesirable or he makes me feel cheap and used. He talks about all these things we are going to do together. The future we're going to have. He seems surprised when he looks back at old texts and realizes how much fun we used to have talking to each other. The thing is: I ALWAYS appreciated those conversations. And we don't talk like that anymore. And we never do any of the things he says we're going to do (even though I'd be down to do any of them). And every time I've asked him to do anything, he doesn't have time. He's busy. Or he just doesn't want to. So I stopped asking. And I don't
talk much or flirt much, or act silly with him anymore. Because I don't trust him with my heart. Not anymore. I never truly feel like he cares about me. I need to stop this toxic cycle and stop being available for someone who is never really there for me. I kept showing up with love for someone who does nothing but waste it.
So yeah...the last couple days have not felt particularly great. But I need to sit and face these things that bother me if I ever hope to move on and be happy. So that's what I'm trying to do. Take stock of my state of mind and heart. Remember who I am and figure out where I want to be.
I have to take care of myself. And the people who love me. I have to start showing up, with love, for myself every God damned day. And forget the fools who don't realize the beauty in the heart I tried to give them. I'll heal it and save it for someone who deserves it. And fill every empty corner of this house with light and love.
-M 🦜
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I hope all good things come to you in this new year and you find the love that you deserve! ❤️
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